I have been meditating this week on the idea of chance and how it relates to the paths we take in our lives.   I had a hard time focusing on it and kept drifting to places I had visited in my journeys and meditations instead of the subject at hand.  I finally realized during a yoga meditation why this was so hard for me and  found an unexpected answer.

We were to relax on a beach and listen to the waves, but I found myself walking along the water’s edge reflecting upon times in my life when it seemed that I was lucky or unlucky, or in other words things happened by chance.  I remembered playing at a friend’s grandparents’ house as a child and learning that her parents had died in a car accident years before, and I remembered thinking they must have been at the wrong place at the wrong time.  I suddenly found myself riding in the back seat of an old car and listening to a couple talking about getting home to see her, and I realized I must be in the car with my friend’s parents!  They chatted a bit and decided to go home a different way than usual, but as the man turned a corner there was a crunch and crash of metal against metal, and I could hear a horn blaring in the distance as I drifted away. 

I was so sad that she lost her parents and shocked at being present to feel their horror and pain, but I tried to figure out why I experienced that awful event even as the landscape shifted and I saw the same friend swimming in a nearby lake some time after I moved away and lost contact with her.  She swam alone, and since she was a strong swimmer had confidence enough to take the risk of swimming alone even when I had known her, but I was horrified when I realized what I was about to see.  She swam slowly and then floated on her back for a bit, and I tried to shout at her to get out of the water to safety, but nothing would come out of my mouth and I felt paralyzed with dread.  She turned to swim gracefully toward shore when I saw someone behind her and my heart leapt into my throat!   No!!  I knew what was going to happen and I tried to turn away but couldn’t.

She heard a sound and turned, looked confused, and started to say something to the boy who had swum up to her by now, but he came close to her and put his arm around her to cover her face with his hand.  She struggled and tried to scream, but he pushed her head under and held her while she flailed desperately.  I wanted to scream, cry, disappear, and stop the boy I knew very well who was indeed drowning my friend before my eyes, but all I could do was watch helplessly as she stopped struggling and he smiled that horrible smile I recognized so well.  When I had learned she drowned I knew right away what had really happened, but I couldn’t proved it and at least hadn’t seen it until now.  All these years later I saw it and felt her fear and surprise as the water filled her lungs, and I knew her last thought was why?  Why was he doing this?

I fought the urge to vomit as I drifted away again and found myself standing in my home in the desert many years ago.  I was leaned against my living room wall and sobbing in my empty home as I gathered courage to walk out the door for the last time.  I didn’t want to go through this again since it was devastating to me when I had to move to a less than desirable situation after living in the first place in my life I felt at home.  My dog was doing his best to comfort me, but I knew I was about to walk out of a place I still haven’t forgotten in the twenty years since I had to choose to do what my heart cried out for or what I felt was the right thing to do as a wife.   I saw myself sag against the wall to the floor, hold the dog while he licked my face, and pull myself up to take a breath and walk out to the moving van waiting in the driveway.  I never saw the house again and lost contact with the wonderful friends I had made there, and moving didn’t  save my marriage or give my child the stability I had hoped my choice would.  I realized I was holding my breath and released it with a loud whoosh as I felt myself fading from the scene again.

This time I found myself  lying back on the peaceful beach again staring up into a clear blue sky, and I breathed a sigh of relief as I realized I was now to think about the role chance had played in the experiences I had just endured and so many others.  I considered how many children die from starvation when governments withhold food and how they happened to be born in a place where such things happen, and how one man survives a plane crash when 300 others perish.  I thought of all the people struck by lightning or shot in robberies and how much of their fates were all sealed by this thing called chance, and how many marriages fell apart, lotteries were won, and so many other so-called chance occurences.  As I pondered the possibility that all these things might be attributed to chance I noticed a sound above my head, and I glanced up to find two  eyes staring back at me.

I sat up quickly to find myself face to face with a scraggly coyote who was regarding me with the most brilliant blue eyes I had ever seen.  He seemed to be laughing at my surprise, and I smiled as his long tongue hanging out of the corner of his mouth like a red flag at half mast.  He cocked his head at me and then I heard a question in my head.  He was asking me if I’d found my answer yet, and when I said not really he just gave me a silly coyote grin, stood up, and started padding off in the wet sand along the water’s edge.  I jumped up and ran to catch up with him to ask why he came to me if he was going to run off that way, but it occured to me that he was giving me a sort of answer by his actions.  He stopped and turned back to me with a serious expression, and I knew what he was telling me as he stared at me with those amazingly blue eyes.

After a bit he loped off down the beach and left me to ponder my answer, and I shook my head at how simple the answer was.  What we call chance or luck is a series of decisions made along the way to a particular event.  That doesn’t mean that someone who is killed causes her own murder, but just that no one magically happens to be at a certain place at a certain time.  There is no judgement, blame, or need for guilt involved, but a realization that choices involve consequences that we can’t always control or forsee.  My friend’s parents took a different turn than usual and were killed by another driver who made the choice to drink and drive, change the radio station, turn to talk to a passenger, or not sleep enough before getting behind the wheel.  We don’t need to judge him or her, but we can understand that we aren’t victims in a vast universe of chance occurences.  My friend chose to swim alone, and therefore she was easier prey than she might have been home with her grandparents.  She didn’t cause her death, but it wasn’t chance that she was there that day alone, and the boy chose to stalk and kill her in revenge for a perceived slight he was angry about.  Whether one believes in fate or luck or neither one, chance is really a series of choices along the way to a particular event,  and whether they were wise choices or not, they were still part of the weave of the universe and time unfolding. 

That may sound fatalistic on the surface, but choices lead to miraculous and gleeful events as well as tragic ones.  That is the fabric of life and doesn’t take away our power to choose our path or heal from pain.  Instead it means we can understand how things come to pass instead of being tossed along as victims in the floodwaters of chance, and it means we can make our own luck as much as possible depending on our interactions with others who are making choices as well.  It also means we are all tied together in one way or another at some point in time and affect each other when we make our choices.

At least I believe that was what the coyote was telling me before I ended up back in the yoga room.  It is posssible that he just happened to be on the beach that day and was simply deciding whether I would be a good meal or not, but I can safely say I’ve never met a coyote yet who depended on chance to find himself a good meal.  I guess that’s why coyotes are such resourceful creatures.  They must know something we don’t, right?:)

This week during yoga meditation I found myself on the beach again breathing the fresh salt air and watching gulls swoop in and out of the waves.  I was relaxed and content to just breathe, walk along the beach, and squint at the sunlight dancing on the water, so I thought this meditation would be the true vacation I needed so badly.  I looked down at the water swirling past my feet with each wave, and I turned to look at my footprints behind me in the sand and noticed a movement so far behind me I thought I imagined it.  I glanced back again, didn’t see anything, and continued my stroll with a contented sigh.

As I moved down the beach I thought I heard a sound from behind me and wrenched my head around with a jerk to see if someone was approaching, but again no one was there.  I rubbed my painfully twisted neck and began to get annoyed with myself for being so paranoid on a peaceful beach, so I promised myself to focus on the squishy sand between my toes and the salt spray on my face instead of some imagined danger I couldn’t even see.  I began to walk more quickly and savor the feel of the breeze in my hair as I laughed at my earlier silliness, and I began to jog slowly in the sand with a lightness of spirit that promised to rejuvenate me, but the mood was ruined after only a few moments.

From directly behind me I heard a familiar voice, and I jumped as my heart started racing with fear.  I knew that voice from my childhood and frantically turned back to see how someone from so long ago could be chasing me on a beach so far away in the present, but all I succeeded in doing was falling flat on my face.  I spat out the grit and rolled to see the monster chasing me, but again no one was there, so I laid still until my heart slowed and my breathing deepened before rising to walk again. 

Now I found myself feeling irresistible urges to glance back, but still no one was anywhere to be seen.  I was by this time totally annoyed and torn behind turning back and yelling at whoever thought it was funny to intrude on such a peaceful place and trying to regain my sense of peace while I walked on.  I hated to admit that I felt fear niggling at me by now and didn’t feel peaceful at all, so I jogged more quickly to put some distance between myself and that stretch of beach where I had felt so frightened. 

I had only jogged a few feet when the sound of footsteps thudding behind me made my heart race again, and I turned and tripped, landing this time with my chin hitting the sand hard enough to make stars shoot before my eyes!  I was breathing hard and by now terrified, but I made myself turn and look back at my pursuer.  All I could see was some shadows way off in the distance, and the echoes of another familiar voice drifted along on the breeze.  I laid there and collected myself, firmly reminding myself that I was on a beach and there was no one who could be here with me unless I wanted company.  When I had fairly convinced myself I was imagining these things I stood stiffly and brushed the sand from my hands and continued my journey at a slow walk, breathing deeply and focusing on the beauty around me.  I had succeeded at relaxing  a bit when I heard the beating of wings directly in front of me, and to my surprise my vulture friend appeared to walk beside me!

He said nothing, but I knew he was here to teach me something and was very happy to see him.  It felt good to have company on this particular day, so I let him know I was glad to see him.  He replied that he was surprised I had noticed him at all with all the backward-looking and falling on my face I was doing, and I really didn’t have any reply for that since I was rather embarrassed at my behavior already.  We walked in silence for a bit until we came to a grouping of  rocks along the water’s edge, and I looked up and saw him sitting on the top of the pile of jagged dark stones waiting for me to join him.  At the same time I heard that voice that made me a small child waiting for something awful to happen again and found myself on the verge of tears.  I didn’t want to run or look back, but I couldn’t help taking furtive glances as I clawed my way toward supposed safety.   

I was so distracted by trying to look back at the terrors coming after me and the effort of not screaming or begging him for help as I climbed the wet rocks that I didn’t notice when I was almost to the top.  I heard that voice again from right behind me, turned to see him surely close enough to grab me again, and didn’t notice I had reached the top of the rocks.  I stumbled over the top, looked back for a last glance, and felt space underneath my feet!

I had stepped right out over the edge of the rock while I was so busy looking behind me for my pursuers, and it hit me in a flash that even though I knew logically there could be no one from my childhood chasing me I had still wasted my whole vacation here in this peaceful place looking back instead of moving foward.  I looked up to see a large red object leaping  off the rock  with me into space, and I instinctively grabbed for it, pulled myself on top of warm hair and strong muscles, and I clung for dear life. 

I realized in an instant that I was sitting astride the largest sorrel horse I had ever seen, flying through the air in a graceful arc, and  landing on the sand below the rocks with a thudding of huge hooves!  I was totally taken by surprise and unsure of anything else to do but grab the red mane flying in front of me and hold on tightly.  We slowed to a stop at the edge of the beach near some low trees, and the horse stood looking at my vulture friend who was perched on a branch up ahead.  I nudged the beautiful animal closer to the vulture and noticed all my fear and feelings of being followed by events from my past had dissipated as I turned to face my fall from the rocks.  I no longer cared if anyone spoke to me from my past or tried to frighten me when I realized the only time I fell or truly was hurt by anything from so long ago was when I turned to look back in fear instead of watching where I was going in the present.  When I heard the voices and saw the shadows I felt little and powerless again, but when I turned and flung my hands out in a forward motion I felt strong and ready to face what was ahead, even if it meant a fall from the rocks.  I smiled wryly at the bird on the branch and asked him if that was the point, and he indicated there was something else as well.

He told me the horse had been there walking with me the whole time waiting for me to leap on his back and leave that scary place of shadows and echoes of terrors past, but I had been so busy looking back and trying to run from my past I had forgotten to stand up and look around me in the present.  Had I noticed the only time I truly fell on my face was when I was too busy being stuck in the past to remember how strong and capable I am in the present? I could leave any time I wanted, see and ride the beautiful horse if I chose to seek a companion, or fly from that place in the blink of my eyes at any time, but I had chosen to stay and be terrified by echoes of my torturers.  

I found myself in the yoga room thinking about my experience, and later I put the rest of the puzzle together. If you must look behind you to see where you have been and what lessons there have been in your life,  just make sure you aren’t running in terror in soft wet sand.  Stop, stand tall, and turn to see that the echoes are just that…echoes in the past.  After you see they are only shadows and you aren’t small and terrified any more after all, then you can see all the resources in your present and choose your path for the future at a leisurely  pace instead of tripping yourself up and ending up with sand in your mouth and a sore neck.   That bird is a wise one!

During yoga meditation this week I found myself on a seashore, and since I haven’t had much sleep or time to meditate for awhile I was both soothed and excited at once.  The afternoon sun blazed strips of light on the water, and I was standing barefoot with a sun hat in my hand.  I could feel the warmth of the sun against any skin that wasn’t covered by my bathing suit and coverup, and cool water splashed over my feet to wash away the sand that squished between my toes. 

I stood still and breathed in the salty air for a bit, and I marvelled at the gulls swooping across the water as they tried to catch any unlucky creatures who dared to come to the surface of the water.  I decided to walk along the beach, and as I looked down I noticed small footprints in the sand ahead of me.  They traced a meandering path that disappeared with each wave and reappeared as the water receded.  My maternal instincts kicked in as I realized there was no matching set of larger prints alongside them, so I started to walk along next to them to find this small child who might have wandered off so near the water’s edge.

I found myself walking faster and then breaking into a run when I saw the tiny footprints heading toward an outcropping of rocks up ahead that towered out over the water, and my heart raced at the thought of a terrified child wandering up the jagged rocks and slipping off the wet ledges into the surf below.  When I reached the rocks the trail was gone, so I stopped to call out and wait for any replies to echo off the rocks.  I soon realized I wouldn’t hear a small child answering me over the roaring surf, so I picked my way up the dark slick rock surface carefully, and all the while  kept picturing all the awful ways a child could get injured with each slippery grasp of my fingertips on the sharp ledges.

I reached the top of a rock and stood slowly to look around for any sign of movement below when I noticed an opening in the rocks slightly below my perch.  I slid down the slimy surface as slowly as I was able, and I found myself standing in the mouth of a damp cave that was partially filled with water.  It was actually more of a small opening in the rocks than an actual cave, and I could see how easily one could become trapped there when the tide rose to partially cover the rocks.  I could see to the back of the little alcove and picked my way across the rocks to check out the nooks and crannies I could see in the dim light that washed in with the waves, and I thought I caught some movement from behind a large smooth rock on one corner. 

I called out to let the person know I wasn’t there to hurt anyone, and that I wanted to help her or him to get out before the water rose too high and the room was filled with crashing waves.  There was no reply, but I could feel fear coming from behind the rock, and I saw another little movement as if something was trying to hide more completely.  I didn’t want to panic the child, if that was indeed who this was, but I noticed there was water lapping around my knees now with the incoming waves instead of around my feet.  I realized that not only could a scared little person be trapped and drown here, but I could easily be swept away too. 

I stood for a few moments and without thinking started humming as I had done so often when things were scary in my childhood.  Soon I felt the fear coming from the corner lessen a bit, so I took a tentative step toward the rock as I hummed familiar childhood tunes. Since there was no more motion as I neared the shadow crouched behind it I waded to the rock and stopped, and I crouched as much as I could without losing my balance in the rushing water.  I found I had to raise my voice to be heard over the surf again, so I repeated my offer of help and promise not to hurt the tiny creature who was gripping the rock tightly for balance in the rising water.  

I reached my hand out slowly and explained that the water would soon be too high to let us get out onto the rocks if we didn’t go right away, and I felt small, wet, freezing fingers grip my hand with surprising strength.  I stood, reached out my other hand, gently pulled the child to me and lifted the little body up to feel strong little arms wrapped tightly around my neck.  I reassured the shivering figure I was carrying as the rising water threatened to pull me off my feet, and I tumbled over to slip us both under the freezing water for a moment before recovering my balance. 

We made it to the mouth of the alcove and scrambled up the slick rock to fresh air and higher ground just as the waves began crashing against the back wall where we had just stood, and I staggered down onto a ledge where I could hold the child and catch my breath.  I saw the afternoon was turning into evening and worried about dropping temperatures when the sun set, and I felt the child shivering harder as I pulled her closer to me.  I found myself rocking gently back and forth and stroking long matted hair to comfort her, and when her shivering turned from fear to her body trying to warm itself in vain I told her we had to make out way down the rocks to find some warmth.  I felt a nod and those little arms grip my neck more tightly, and I rose gingerly and slowly picked my way back down the same path I had come up.  Since the tide was high now it was a slow and dangerous process, and the whole time I thought of how sad it would be to make it out of the flooded alcove safely and be washed out to sea  from the rocky ledges.We were washed off the last rock onto the beach by a crashing wave, and I was grateful the child was still strong enough to grip my neck as we landed in a tumbled heap on the wet sand.  I pulled her up away from the waves and fell back with her on top of me and saw her face for the first time. 

I could see her clearly in the rays from the coming sunset, and I was stunned to realize I knew this child!  She gazed into my eyes as if she knew me as well, but was unsure of my welcome as well as her safety in my arms since she saw that I knew her.  I knew her very well since I was looking into my own eyes, and I could only stare in amazement and disbelief at the realization that I was looking at myself as a small child!!!

I drank in her small features as I recognized her expression of fear, anger, and resolution as the one I had seen in the mirror throughout my childhood and well into my adulthood, and in this profound moment I found myself giggling.  I would have pictured myself having a very meaningful discussion, sharing wisdom, or something at least fairly dignified if presented with such an opportunity, but instead I threw my head back onto the sand, laughed up at her,  felt my heart leap at the silly expression I could see on her face in the last rays of the sunset, and grabbed her to me as if my life depended on it.  I held her close and stroked her hair, felt my fingers tangled  all the snarls and curls I tried so hard to tame for so many years, and as the sun set I realized my life had always depended on her.  I clutched her to me again and thanked her for holding on until I could understand that I needed her to rescue me as much as she needed me to  gain enough wisdom keep her safe, and as the sun faded I found myself in the dim light of the yoga room feeling bereft without her arms wrapped around my any longer.

I sighed and stirred as we were called back from meditation, and then I felt a little familiar giggle inside and realized she was still holding on tight and always had been no matter how often I hadn’t held her back.  I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, but they were tears of pure joy at how far I had come from being that little girl, or maybe how far I had come to become that little girl.  Perhaps my joy is really for how far I have come to be able to realize that we are one and the same, and how incredibly wonderful that truly is.:)

The other day in yoga meditation I found myself in a brilliant blue sky dotted with puffy clouds, and I looked down to find my feet surrounded by the cottony puffs.  I had gone jogging the day before and imagined myself running on the clouds I watched sailing by me, and I smiled at the realization I had indeed landed on those clouds.  I reached down and whisked some of the clouds away from in front of my feet and saw rolling fields far in the distance that appeared to be waving up at me with golden fingertips.  Upon closer scrutiny I could see that I was looking at a wheat field in full glory rolling back and forth in a breeze, so I simply knelt down, stuck my head through the cloud, and watched the field wave in the sunlight for awhile.

When the brilliance of the golden wheat was muted by a passing cloud I stood back up, looked around, saw another cloud, and took a huge leap to land on it.  I leapt from that cloud to the next as if I were playing hopscotch and found myself giggling with pleasure at the joy of landing on fluffy cotton balls that my feet disappeared into but didn’t go all the way through.  I laid down on one extra thick and puffy confection, dozed off, and awoke to find myself rolling off my cloud into freefall!

I was alarmed for a split second at the sensation of freefalling toward the rather sold ground so far below, but then remembered that I could do as I wished here and spread my arms into the sky as if I were a flying squirrel.  I glided to a lower bank of clouds, bounced off one of them, and found myself landing in a tree with a thud.  I was unhurt of course, so I shimmied down the tree with an big red apple in my hand and sat in the shade to enjoy my find.  I wiped the juice off my chin, settled down against the huge trunk, and drifted off to sleep again as the buzzing of insects around me lulled me into a stupor. 

I awoke refreshed and feeling as if I had just come back from a trip through a children’s book when it was time to finish class.  There’s nothing like a bit of cloud-hopping and a nice nap to put me in a good mood for the rest of the day!