I felt very exposed and vulnerable, not to mention freezing to my soul and it seemed there was no up or down, much less forward or back, to find my way out of this crystal cage.  I began to feel fear, but I wasn’t sure what I was actually afraid of since there was no threat of any kind in sight.  I found myself curling into a fetal position and breathing rapidly and felt my mind freezing into inaction.  I tried to focus on solutions and breathe through my fear, but it seemed I couldn’t grasp even what my situation was, much less how to get out and why I was there in the first place.

I hung there in the clearness for what seemed to be an eternity, and finally forced myself to take a breath and flex a finger to see if I was still alive, but  I felt more like a crystal statue than a living creature.  The confusing part of it all was that there was no visible cage around me and I really couldn’t feel any walls or structures preventing my movement, yet all I could do was hang in this clear nothingness and feel paralyzed at being confined in openness.  It was a totally new and bizarre sensation that made me so afraid that I had to remind myself to keep breathing,  but finally I moved one hand a bit and found that I could breathe and blink if I chose.  I felt no pain or stricture around me and began to flex my arms and legs a bit, and I finally was able to stretch completely out and attempt to breathe normally.  Where was I and what was happening to me?  How could one be confined in open space that had no apparent boundaries and why was it so cold there?

I saw no snow as I had in my usual journeys, and none of my guides were anywhere to be found.  I was swimming in some clear watery substance but could breathe as if I were in air, so I made my way downward into the darker depths led by some instinct I couldn’t name.  I soon found myself in a watery crystal cave where I saw what seemed to be the bottom of this ocean.  There was no blue, green, no creatures or ocean plants as I had expected to find here in the watery depths, but instead a crystalline bottom to the waters I swam through.

I swam slowly closer hoping I would get some clues as to what this place was and why I felt so confused and fearful in a place to obviously transparent and open, but all I could see was the clear bottom ahead.  I swam down to it and peered through the water to the crystal floor of the cave, and as I drew closer I saw there was a moving shape apparently under the floor.  My heart raced as I approached it and I even had a moment of my previous fearful paralysis, but I knew I had to see what was moving in order to understand where I was and how to leave the invisible cage I found myself in.

I swam down and leaned close as my heart pounded so hard I thought I would pass out, but when I looked directly into the clear waters all I saw was my reflection staring back at me.  I saw nothing and no one else anywhere around, and then I realized where I was with a start.  I had the wonderful opportunity to look deep inside myself and see my deepest fears to find clarity, but the knowledge I would find there was only available after I uncurled myself and decided to follow my instincts and become willing to see whatever was down in the quiet depths.  The word that popped into my head was a simple, “ohhh”, and I smiled at how I had found clarity deep inside myself when I put aside my fears.  How interesting it is that with all the time I have spent searching for answers through sometimes murky waters the clearest reflection was inside myself the whole time.

As I peered at myself I realized that sometimes what seems like a cage is really home and safety, and that what feels scary and unfamiliar can really be simply an interpretation of our own truth filtered through our fears.  When we can remove the filters we can see with clarity what we weren’t able to see before, and I really didn’t look like what I usually see in the mirror when the  waters were stilled so the view was clear.  Fear distorts who we are, but when we let the waters become still and see our real reflection we break free and see our truth.  It is definitely worth uncurling ourselves and swimming in the cold for awhile.

Then I noticed as I looked back that nothing appeared to be behind me, but I couldn’t account for my appearance in this deep field of grass or my feeling of a need to run toward wherever I was headed.  I saw no structures or beings anywhere in sight but still felt the urge to move forward as fast as possible, and the urge was strong enough to keep me running despite the whipping my arms and face were taking as I waded through the reeds.  I searched the horizon only to find myself still puzzled as to why I kept moving forward, and I glanced behind me again to no avail.  I was breathing heavily by now, and I tried to slow down to catch my breath.  I felt I needed to figure out where I was, why I was running, and where I was trying to end up before I used all my energy to reach some unknown goal, so I forced myself to stop and look around a bit.

There was only tall grass all the way to the horizon in all directions it seemed, but then I saw something at the edge of the grass in front of me.  It wasn’t a particular shape or color that appealed to me, but I felt a wonderful sense of peace when I looked at it.  It felt “right” and I wanted to be where it was badly, and I realized that I wasn’t running away from anything.  Instead I was now running toward something that felt right and peaceful,  joyous and wonderous to me.  It was an odd feeling to know I wasn’t running from anything from the first time in my life, but instead running toward something I wanted badly.

I considered resting a bit and thinking about my life and choices to see if they fit what I would think was the “norm” before I resumed my journey, but I felt myself sigh with the tiresomeness of that whole idea.  I had worked through so many events and issues, struggled through so many jungles, trekked up so many mountains in my life, and watched so many people struggling alongside me that I realized I was finished struggling with the past and truly tired of it.  This “it” that was the tiny speck on the horizon wasn’t the end of my journey or the answer to every question I had ever asked, but it instead was the beginning of my path forward.

I can’t answer for anyone else, but for right now I know that I am ready to stand back up and run toward that speck, and although I don’t know all the details and won’t until I actually get wherever I am going, I don’t mind the wind whipping the grass against my face along the way.  I will run forward until I find I need to stop and rest a moment and then will get back up and run joyously again, and I estimate it will take me the rest of my life to get there.  I am alive in a way I haven’t been before and ready to spread my arms and run in the sun.  Running toward something is much less exhausting than running away from everything and a lot more fun, so off I go!

I pulled the hair from our brushes and collected some yarn for the birds, set it near our carport where they like to nest each year, fed my cat and came back to stand near my back door.  I stood for awhile enjoying the birds at the feeders a few yards away and contemplated how different my mornings are when I leave the tv off and step outside to enjoy nature instead of listening to news first thing in the morning, and then I felt someone near me to my left and behind me a bit.

I turned to look but didn’t see anyone at first and went back to watching the birds, but then I felt a touch on my hand that was resting at my side.  I looked down and saw the white shimmery form of a child, and as a little hand fit itself into mine I could see through the white wispy aura that my visitor was a little girl.  I didn’t move, but instead stood holding her hand for a moment and noticed that my hand wasn’t chilled as I usually am when I have a visitor who has passed.  I felt warm and relaxed, and the little hand folded  itself inside my palm so I was covering it with my own hand.

I asked her softly if she came to listen to the birds, and although I was afraid to frighten her I felt something was different this time and that she wouldn’t be frightened if I spoke to her.  It seemed she came for companionship, and she felt familiar to me.  I asked again if she came to hear the birds, but when I turned to see her response the wisp around her seemed to disperse and I could see her more clearly.  I had seen this little girl in pictures and many times in therapy sessions, and I was thrilled to see she looked completely different now standing next to me on my porch.

I had seen her most often in  pictures with a sad and angry look on her face or in therapy when I was called upon to work with her, but this time she stood looking up at me with a sweet smile on her face.  Her frizzy thick hair floated  around her face and shoulders like a reddish sunlight cloud, and she had an impish grin on her face that made me giggle with delight as I remembered the things she got into when I knew her much better than I did as an adult.  I gave her hand a squeeze to let her know I was happy to see her here with me, and she answered by releasing my hand and reaching her arms up to me as if to be picked up.

I was thrilled that she trusted me enough to look up at me with that open smile and clear eyes and ask for me to hold her, and I reached for her with no hesitation at all.  I felt her warmth against me as she wrapped her little arms around my neck, and when she fastened her feet around my back and was totally connected to me I felt a sigh of contentment slip from us both in unison.

I chuckled and lifted my gaze to hers as she lifted her head to look directly into my eyes, and as my eyes met hers I felt the sensation of all the years of therapy slide into place as if a final puzzle piece had finally been laid to rest.  An incredible sense of peace and completion came over me as we passed between us a brief silent conversation about our past and all that had happened to us, and we reached to touch foreheads and squish noses together.  As I pulled her closer to me I felt her melt into me where she has always been whether I knew it or not, and I welcomed my little self home for good.

When I could breathe again I found myself standing with a silly smile on my face, and when I recovered enough to notice my surroundings I raised my face upward again.  I wasn’t surprised at all when I saw a vulture circling right above me against the blue sky, burst out laughing, waved to him and came inside.  What a glorious day this is!

I sat in a restaurant this afternoon eating lunch and reading a book on Beginning Shamanism when I read the line, “A shaman is always chosen.”  The breath went from me as if someone had punched me in the gut and I couldn’t breathe as I flashed back to the night before last.   I had been reading casually for information as I know that shamanism isn’t an easy path, but when I read that line I felt as if lightning went through me and I literally couldn’t breathe or focus on anything around me.  I found myself back in my recent journey and unable to process my present surroundings for several minutes.

I had fallen asleep that night feeling as if something were about to happen, and sure enough I soon found myself in the familiar snowy landscape with my Inuit guide and the white wolf  Tlun by my sides.  The dark trees around the clearing where we stood in deep snow and the heavy clouds above us were a perfect backdrop for the biting winds that swirled around us, and I squinted to protect my eyes from drying out.  Tlun and my guide moved closer to me as I turned to the hooded figure next to me for guidance.  Our eyes met and I felt him look into my soul and  I knew he was called Tupi.  I could see dark skin and darker eyes that were timeless, and he put his hand on my shoulder to steady me.  As he touched my right shoulder I felt Tlun nose her head under my left hand, and I looked down to see her looking up at me with a quiet calm that eased the shivers that rippled through me as much from anticipation as cold.

I had stood connected to them for a few moments when I heard wings beating above us, and when I looked up to see who was approaching I noticed both my guides had disappeared.  I started to call to them but my attention was shifted to the birds who had settled on the snow in front of me and were folding their heavy wings neatly to their sides.  I saw two vultures, and since I had never seen them in this snowy landscape I was surprised to see their darkness against the white of the snow beneath them.  I stood in surprise, not really knowing what to do, when I heard air rushing around me again.

I looked up to see a huge eagle that was bigger than any usual bird could hope to be, and his wingspan was so wide that he dwarfed all of us as he landed several feet away from me and stood to face me.  The vultures moved to flank him and two more large eagles moved in to stand between the vultures.  The huge eagle stepped forward and the others followed him, and I stood in shock as he grew before my eyes.  All of the birds were larger than the norm, but this one towered over all of us.

As I stood staring with my mouth hanging open I felt a nudge behind me and jumped as I turned to see blue eyes against the white of the snow and a  familiar white shape.  The beautiful horse motioned for me to mount him, so I grabbed his mane and did my best to sit astride my friend.   I felt a bit less vulnerable upon his strong back, but as I looked up I saw the giant eagle looming over us.  The vultures and the other eagles moved to stand around me with wings outstretched as I sat unsure what to do, and I marveled at the magnificent creatures who stood with feathers ruffling in the wind.

I thought of the times I had journeyed flying with the vultures and felt my own wings rising on the thermals, and a sense of calm came over me.  I knew I was safe among the messengers and friends who had brought me to this place and raised my head to face the creature who had come to rest before us.  To my surprise he spread his huge wings to pull all the other birds to him and then wrapped then around the horse and me.  I felt as if I were inside a warm cocoon surrounded by amazing energies, and I felt warm breath upon the back of my neck as I heard, “chosen” reverberating around me in the darkness.   I had no idea what that referred to and found myself standing in the snow with Tlun and Tupi again for a moment before I was back in bed with heart pounding.

I realized I was still sitting in the restaurant with the waitress asking me if I was all right, and I realized my food was mostly uneaten.  I nodded, got my check, and found my way to my car to sit and try to absorb what had just happened, and I have been working on it since.

I noticed as he crawled up the table leg that there was a plate with a bit of toast and jelly my kids left from breakfast, and I wondered if he knew there was a prize waiting for him after his long journey or if he just happened to end up crawling up that particular piece of wood.  Upon reflection I think he knew my kids eat breakfast on that table most mornings, so he most likely knew there was a good chance a crumb or probably a feast would be found there waiting for him.  As he slowly made his way I thought of many days where I meandered along my way to accomplish some task, not really sure if there was a reward waiting for me or not, and I thought how the ant didn’t seem to consider giving up or become discouraged at all.  Here I was, this huge being leaning over him casting a shadow on him, but he simply waved my direction and went on his mission undeterred.

Now I don’t recommend waving in every possible adversary’s face, but I thought it was pretty impressive and was something I will remember.  He had no idea whether I was about to squash him or give him a bit of food to munch through or carry back to his nest.  He waved in my direction and just took off despite my scrutiny and the danger I represented.  Was that hive mentality where the individual blindly serves the community and despite all obstacles and personal threats to safety, or does he know something we don’t?  He didn’t run and hide, stop his quest, or even change direction when a huge creature towered over him, but instead lived his ant life to the fullest.  I’m not sure what that means for an ant, but I did see him apparently enjoying that bit of jelly he found.

Perhaps we can take a hunt from the lesson of my small friend the ant.  This world is pretty scary now, and we know that we and our families are in varying degrees of danger whether we are home sleeping in bed, on the bus, in the classroom or workplace, or relaxing at the mall.  We can stop, wave at the stress surrounding us and then move on to live our lives as we would if we weren’t constantly reminded that it could all end any moment in some horrible disastrous flame-out, or we can hide in the closet with our foil hats on our heads.  I tend to be a pretty cautious person when it comes to the safety of my family, but I think after watching that ant exploring my floor and chowing down happily on that jelly I will choose to live like the ant instead of the human in the closet.  Foil hats tend to get hot and stuffy over time, you can’t see the stars from the closet, and I want to enjoy all the jelly I happen to come across in my travels even if a giant may slap me silly in the middle of it.

Last night I journeyed and found myself in a frozen landscape running with a pack of white wolves.  I soon realized I was a wolf surrounded by other wolves running in semi-darkness in fogs of cold breaths, and although on one level I was cold on another I was warm and invigorated.  We ran full-out as if our lives depended on the chase, and indeed they did since we were following a herd of some kind of deer and running on empty stomachs.  I could feel my family’s warm bodies brushing against mine as we rushed along, and although the thought of actually felling and killing an animal to eat turned my stomach briefly, I knew that this was not my safe and warm life in which my easy reach in the refrigerator could produce a bloodless salad.  We ran for our lives and this was the only option, and as we caught up to the stragglers we instinctively formed the most efficient hunting formation.  Unfortunately we spooked the herd and they took off into the trees in a huge wall of solidarity, so we slowed to a lope and caught our breaths.  We turned back to our den that was a warm hole under the roots of a massive tree and spent some time sniffing and rebonding, and we curled up together with our tails over our noses for warmth.  I slipped into twitching dreams of zigzagging after snowy arctic hares, and soon woke to find myself swimming in frigid water.

I paddled furiously with my massive white paws in the bubbling near-frozen water and realized I was under a slab of ice.  I swam toward the light and clawed my way onto the ice shelf to shake off furiously.  I was a huge male polar bear waiting for the shadow of a seal under the ice or water, and I felt the watery sunshine warming my thick fur.  I closed my eyes to enjoy a quiet moment before the hunt resumed and felt a moment of dizziness as my position shifted, then realized I was myself again and standing back on solid frozen ground.  I felt someone nearby and turned to find the man in white furs who had let me know he will be my spirit guide on the next phase of my journey.  He was dark-skinned and tanned on top of it from a lifetime of exposure to the reflected sun, and his face and hair were the only objects that stood out against the white all around us.  He reached a hand toward me and opened it to show something to me that I couldn’t quite see in the dim light, and as I touched his hand I was back in my bedroom in darkness.

I looked down at my arm as I felt something crawling on it and saw a pretty red ladybug walking up toward my sleeve, so I sat and watched her come up to my shoulder.  She spread her wings, closed them, and began walking back down my arm as if she had come to say hello and was on her way again.  After she crawled onto a nearby bloom I took another deep breath and stood to make my way through the sea of reds, yellows, blues, and pinks.  I bent to look closely at the different types of flowers, and I saw each line on the fuschia petals detailed and unique.  I saw tiny hairs on stems and folds of color that I usually wouldn’t have even noticed, and I spent what felt like hours watching another ladybug walking across from one bloom to another.  I heard buzzing and noticed bees leisurely passing pollen from one red to pink and blue to yellow, and I marvelled at how smootly nature works when we aren’t intervening to “improve” it. 

I finally came  upon a large stone that was perched in the center of the waving flowers and climbed up to sit back and relax awhile, and I breathed in the fresh air  and began rocking in time to the beat of the waving stems around me.  I found myself humming a favorite tune in time to them, and I found myself getting drowsy as leaned back against the warm rock.  The sun was warm on my face and I felt myself drifting into a lovely nap with no sense of time passing or chores to be finished.  I came back from my nap to feel refreshed and rested, and I will be napping there again soon.  I may not be able to go on a normal vacation, but I can visit the field and my nice warm rock any time I have a few minutes.

I soon felt myself floating freely without even feeling my feet on the shower floor, and I imagined curling myself up into a fetal position.  I had the sensation of cleansing and preparation for a birth of sorts and inhaled the warm fluid that surrounded me as I felt my mind drifting along with my body.  I let myself feel totally protected as life went on around me but vaguely at a distance, and the sounds I heard were muffled and far off.  As I stretched my body back out and raised my hands over my head I felt a warm soft womb around me, and I felt the swish of fluid moving with me as I wiggled my fingers and toes in the warmth.   I twirled and swallowed the soothing fluid, and as I gently kicked off from the soft cushioning around me I thought of how I wasn’t sure what my original experience had been in a place like this. 

Was I welcomed, or was there yelling and anger when I was in a place like this originally?  I’m really not sure and as I considered it I realized that didn’t matter.  What mattered was that I can nurture myself now.  I can float, feel warmth and love surround me, and I can feel the softness of a womb that I can visit any time I like.  Yes, it is a wonderful thing to begin this life in a place of welcome and safety, but it is just as soothing and amazing that I know I can create my own place of comfort whenever I wish.  I smiled to myself as I bounced off the soft cushioning walls, did some slow flips and twirls, and thought about beginnings. 

We begin throughout our entire lives.  We are born, pass through infancy and start school, become a teen and then young adult, get jobs, maybe marry and have children, watch them grow and find their own beginnings, and along the way we begin each day with the possibility of making it the best we have ever lived.  We can create our own womb and nurture ourselves while we give ourselves opportunities to feel the love and welcome we all deserve.  It is within our power to float, kick, or squirm in that relaxing place at any time that we are stressed, confused or just need to cleanse ourselves and find a place to recharge. 

As I dried off after my shower I sighed with contentment knowing that I do not need to dwell on one particular beginning when I have the ability to create each day as it comes.  Now that’s a wonderful thing…the power to create our own beginnings.

I recently found myself once again drifting contentedly in gray mist, and since this seems to be a common situation for me now I felt comfortable enough to lie back and relax into the mist with no thought to lessons to be learned or messages to receive.  I felt no surface below me, but rather the sensation of drifting peacefully with no physical sensations at all.  I drifted nowhere in particular with no goal in my mind at all, and I felt as if my mind simply became part of a collective energy that simply existed.  It was a delightful sensation and one I highly recommend, and the only unpleasant part of the experience was dragging myself back down to earth and consciousness.  I now see how monks can sit and meditate for days on end, and I know I will be returning as soon and as often as possible.

Maybe there was a lesson floating around in that mist after all.  The energy that flows through all of existence, which is the energy that flows through all things and is a common current that connects everything to everything else, exists not only when we choose to acknowledge it or allow it to flow freely through us, but has existed since the beginning and will flow long after this planet has no physical life forms on it.  It flows through and connects us all every second of every day, and whether I choose to take the time to drift and enjoy the energy flowing through me, or to focus on the sharp edges of daily life and neglect that part of myself it will still exist without alteration.  Some might call this energy God while some might call it the natural order of the physical universe, but while I drifted in that exhilarating, relaxing mist of energy wisping all around me I had no labels for anything or anyone and needed none. 

Maybe that was the lesson to be learned after all…it simply is what it is and that is the beauty of it.

I found myself standing on rocky desert sand under a blazing sun, and I stood blinking in surprise for a few moments.  I looked around and saw only sand, rocks, and shimmering heat, so I decided to climb the small slope ahead of me to get a better view of my surroundings.  I trudged in the hot sand for what seemed like hours until I reached the top of that hill, and when I looked back I saw I might have walked five feet in all that time.  I smiled to myself about my supposed topic of the meditation and chuckled at my own perception of trudging for hours to walk a mere five feet, and then I set about exploring the desert. 

I saw at first nothing but rocks, sand, and shimmering heat, and fervently wished for a camel to ride to keep my hot feet off the ground.  As I was thinking about how easy it would be to perish from thirst here in this barren place I heard a snort from behind me and felt hot breath on the back of my neck.  I jumped and whirled around, losing my footing in the sand and landing awkwardly on my back with my face to the blistering sun.  I shut my eyes to the glare and shook my head,   felt  hot breath on my face, and opened one eye just enough to see a big mouth full of huge teeth a couple of inches from my nose.   After a few seconds of shock I looked upward around the mouth to see long, lush eyelashes that belonged to the camel I had wished for a few moments ago.

I started laughing and sat up, and he blinked those amazing lashes at me in surprise.  “You did ask for a camel, right?  What’s so funny?”  came to me, and I thought of all the sand monsters I was imagining and gave him a big kiss on his sandy nose.  I asked him if all I had to do is ask for something for it to come to me he nodded his head, and so I asked him why I was still standing in the sun parched with thirst if that were true, and he tilted his head at me as if to ask me me the same question. 

I closed my eyes, wrapped my arms around as much of him as I could reach, and I thought about a cool blue pool of water and a tall drink of something refreshing.  When I opened them I was standing with my camel friend beside the pool with a frosty drink in my hand, and I slurped it down and jumped into the chilly water.  It only took a few moments to cool off, so I stood up in the waist-high water to talk to my friend who waited patiently for me at the water’s edge.  I was about to ask him what the lesson was in our little visit, but then I realized I was uncomfortably cold and actually shivering.  I realized with a jolt I had knocked my ice water off my desk onto my lap and was sitting shivering in a big puddle of ice cubes!

The camel and the pool disappeared as I came back to reality and cleaned up the spill, changed my pants, and laughed at myself for being so immersed in my meditation I didn’t realize what was happening in reality. Then I thought of my camel friend and realized what the point of the experience had been.

Yes, I was immersed in my meditation, so for that moment my reality was the camel, the hot sand, and then the wonderful cool pool.  My perceptions of my interrupted journey were as real to me as the feel of the keyboard under my fingers as I type this, but the perceptions of someone watching me would naturally have been totally different. 

Whose version of reality was real?  Both events were occuring at the same time, but I was talking to a camel and the person watching would have seen a woman sitting at a computer desk knocking over a glass of water, sitting for a moment, and then jumping up with a gasp.  Both versions are accurate reports of the reality of the moment and neither are lies or misperceptions, so perhaps instead of one version being “right” and one “wrong”, they are just relative to each other and can co-exist peacefully.  I might have looked silly or dazed sitting at my desk meditating, and who knows if I spoke aloud to my camel friend or held my breath as I swam?  In the long run does it matter except as part of someone else’s reality? 

So maybe this time I end up with more questions than answers to my original question of my place in the universe.  Or maybe I got a partial answer in that I am whatever I perceive myself to be just as others are to me as I perceive them to be as well.  I am my own reality since I form my own reality based on my perceptions, and I am part of the reality of everyone who comes in contact with me, although I have no control over how I appear in their version of reality.  I can be a wronged wife, lucky mother, sad loser, innocent victim, camel campanion, content partner, or whatever else I choose to be based on my perceptions of the “reality” around me, so I do create my own reality. 

My reality is relative to all the other realities of the living things around me, and although I do appear in their realities and hope to contribute positive energy to them, the only reality I can create and change is my own.  What a relief and responsibility at the same time, and a beginning to finding my answer.  I am to myself who I perceive myself to be, and I am to others as they perceive me to be in their own reality.  Therefore my place in the universe is what I choose to make of my reality.  I can touch others’ realities as gently and positively as I can while I work on my own reality, and that is enough of an answer for me for now.  It’s all relative anyway in the long run after all, so there seems to be no one “right” answer anyway as I see it today.  Maybe that was the point all along…there is no one answer as to who we are meant to be or who others should be…it just is and we can strive to be as positive in all realities as possible.