Last night during yoga meditation I found myself standing on the familiar red cliff with my vulture friend, and we shared  a simple yet profound experience.  We  spread our wings and slowly rose to find a  thermal breeze in the brilliant blue sky, and we circled lazily on the warmth of the rising winds as we watched the creatures below us going about their daily routines.  We were part of the beauty of the rocks and vibrancy of all the creatures around us, and we felt the sun warm our wings from above and a warm breeze ruffle our feathers from below.  We marvelled at the stream of water ever so slowly creating new paths as it looped in the canyon floor so far below, and the thought that  water had travelled this journey for so long and made its own path by simply flowing amazed me.

I had no urge to create, analyze, learn, or plan for any other moment than each one I existed in at a perticular time, and I made no effort to join with anyone or anything as I slowly circled high above the vast landscape below me.  I breathed in the same air my ancestors had generations ago, and my back was warmed by the same sun that warmed the backs of the dinosaurs.  I was…I just was.  I made no effort to think about anything at all except being, and I found that a clarity of connection came over me that I had never experienced.  The rocks had no need to control or plan, and even the creatures below us lived each moment as it came.  They lived by instinct and experience instead of rushing about making complex plans while trying to absorb every fact every known by man, and they lived and passed to the next place much more easily than any human I have ever met.  I felt no anxiety for tomorrow, and I felt a new sensation as I listened to the water tumble past the rocks below and once again marvelled at the wisdom of so-called simpler beings. 

I felt time unfolding as I often do, and I could look back and forward as if I were on a path where the past and future exist at once, and I had no urge to learn from past or step forward into the future as I usually do.  Instead I just was…I was in each moment and no other moment mattered and let go completely.  I instantly felt a new connection to all around me that was deeper than before, and I found myself laughing at the joy of just being.  How peaceful and joyous I felt as I lazily circled ever higher with my friend, and I knew that this place was here for me whenever I was able to come and just be. 

I eventually realized my vulture friend was starting to loop back downward, and we made our way back to the cliff edge to sit with wings outstretched sunning ourselves.  The sensation reminded me of sunning myself on a gently rocking boat as a child, and I smiled at another full circle completed.  I had forgotten that lovely sensation of just being with all that life had shown me over the years, and I silently thanked my friend for sharing a pleasant memory from so long ago.  The art of being is a magical art indeed, and I will definitely be there again.

Last night at the peace meditation the guide was leading us to feel peace enter us as we breathed, and as I took some cleansing breaths I immediately found myself inside a flame.  I felt no heat even though I could see flames licking around me, and I felt as if I were in the cool waters of a pool.  I realized that I was inside an orange red flame with blue water flowing along my body as the flames rose around me, and  I felt as if I were totally immersed in cleansing from fire and water at the same time.  I felt a sense of peace and a quiet in my soul, and I breathed in the flame and liquid, feeling it soothe my throat and lungs as it entered and became part of me.  I reached out to the others in the room and tried to share this feeling with them, and then I felt a shift and the flame was gone.

I found myself in blackness sitting in lotus position with my hands loosely cupped in my lap.  Then I felt a cool warmness and I saw a beautiful blue-green sphere form above my hands.  The sphere was shrouded in clouds, and when I glimpsed through them I could see it was the Earth I was holding in my own small hands.  The brilliant blues and green were offset by the bright whiteness of the clouds, and I felt as if I were holding a fragile Christmas ornament that might break if I let it slip from my grasp.  I cradled it without actually touching it, and I thought about all the life forms on this beautiful planet and how much I wished peace and joy for every one of them.  My connection was so strong that I wanted to share my cleansing with them, and I noticed flames begin to lick around the edges of the orb.  The flames rose to encompass the whole fragile Earth and rise into the blackness, and even when I  closed my eyes against the orange glow of the flames I could see them flickering in front of me.  I sat quietly watching for awhile as the flames died down to faintly surround the Earth inside of engulfing it, and I felt tears of joy on my face at the mere existence of something so precious in the midst of the blackness.

I began then to think of all the lives of all the people on this tiny brilliantly decorated planet, and I felt  sad that so many of those lives are marred by hunger, violence, and loneliness.  I began to think back to my own childhood, which was full of sadness, violence,  loneliness, and hunger as well, and I considered the journey I had travelled from being a small scared, sad, and angry child to a person who was able to feel such peace and joy in life.  I wondered as I studied the Earth before me how many of those creatures below had been shown respect or kindness in their lives, and the thought of how different this world would be if all creatures respected themselves and each other overwhelmed me with sadness and hope at the same time.  I realized that we each literally as well as figuratively hold this beautiful blue planet in our own small hands, and we hold our own selves in our hands as well. 

If we treat ourselves with the respect most of us try to treat each other with, and if we feel so connected to each other that we do not cause others any pain we can avoid, then we cannot logically treat ourselves with disrespect either.  If we are truly connected then when we harm ourselves we harm others, thus we are as valuable and precious as every other life on the planet.  That is what I felt as I watched the swirling clouds pass over the oceans and land below me, and I wished that each creature on Earth would share this message with me.  It is the love others as you would have them love you message, but this time reversed since we can sometimes pretend to love others if we do not love ourselves but not truly see their beauty unless we can see our own.  How far I have come from the child who agreed with her parents that life would be much easier if she hadn’t been born!

I considered those years and wondered how I made it through and why I never quite gave up, and I was inside myself as that child again for a few monets.  I realized with a jolt that it was a very familiar place to be and that I have been there many times before as an adult, and then the piece of the puzzle fell into place.  I hadn’t given up back then because I had held my future in my own hands as we all do.  I made it through because I felt that calling to hold on and this would pass, and it was as if I felt a presence guiding me through the times when I had to believe the pain would stop and the sun would come out again.  I thought as a child it was God, and then I realized over time that it didn’t feel as if it were a god, but I wasn’t sure why or how I held on and kept believing in good and the end of the pain, but it struck me as I stared at the Earth in my hands that it was my own hand I felt guiding me along.  It was my own presence I felt, and it was the strength and energy of a whole universe of positive energy I had felt through those dark times that had kept me alive and not let anyone murder my spirit!

I felt connected from the time I first remember being and felt energy from others all around me, but I didn’t realize that I was not only absorbing the negative energies of my pain and the pain of those around me, but the positive energy of life  that all living creatures have inside.  I had not only had my faith in life itself, but my own hand and all the energy in the universe guiding me to light and joy, and I began to sob with relief and peace with that knowledge. 

From a distance I heard our guide calling us back to the room, and I smiled with the knowledge that if I had so much wonderful energy guiding me as a child who had no understanding of its presence, how much could I learn and experience since I now realized how infinite our existence is?  Such a lovely way to see the world, don’t you think?.:)

I meditated last night during yoga and found myself standing with deep lush green foliage all around me to chest height.  I could feel the humidity in the air and smell the damp decaying leaves on the forest floor, and I could hear water splashing in the distance.  I brushed the huge leaves aside and trudged through the undergrowth for awhile, and I marvelled at how serene this place felt to me.  I heard birds calling in the distance, but there was no sense of hurry or alarm in the air at all, so I slowly walked along and enjoyed  the peace and relaxation I had been offered.

As I drew closer to the splashing sounds I came upon a clearing that contained a beautiful waterfall, and I recognized it as a place I had visited earlier in my journeys.  This time things looked a bit different though, so I stepped into the clearing to find out what had changed.  The moment I cleared the foliage and stood in the clearing I noticed that I was barefoot and only wearing a small swimsuit  and my bracelet.  I felt a bit confused, but then it occured to me that I was supposed to use my senses and feel everything around me instead of being enclosed safely in clothes.

That thought made me wonder what was in store for me, but I was determined to experience whatever came my way, so I stepped forward and looked around me.  The first thing I noticed was that the whole area was teeming with life.  Tiny creatures scuttled and scurried over the rocks and grasses beneath my feet, and I confess I was a bit unsettled at the thought of them scurrying up me as well.  I remembered vividly the pain and itch of ant and other various insect bites I had incurred, but since I was so scantily dressed for a reason I stayed where I was and took some deep breaths to ease my fears.  It would be very sad to miss a learning experience because I was afraid of insects, so I stepped forward and did something I would never have dreamed of until recently. 

I sat down on a nearby rock and put my hands on the ground beside me, and I instantly flashed back to my childhood.  I used to play with spiders, poisonous snakes, the neighborhood vicious German  Shepherd dog, and any other animal that came my way.  I was terrified of wasps due to a traumatic incident that involved several stings, but otherwise they were all friends and never once hurt me at all.  I remember my mother’s expression upon finding me holding black widow spiders or snakes and holding conversations with them, and I am surprised she didn’t faint from fear.  I realized how far I had come and how the circle was almost complete when I realized a spider was making its way up my left arm and ants were climbing over my right foot on their way to wherever they were going.

I watched the spider climb up to my elbow and then put out my right hand for it to sit where I could see it, and when she (I felt this was a female and she did appear to be one) was safely perched on my hand I held her up so I could see her better.  I got an instant sensation of becoming acquainted with her and smiled at the familiar feeling.  I remembered feeling this as a child, and I realized (or perhaps she told me) that my next journey was to be rediscovering myself so I could discover the rest of the universe.  Children come into this world equipped to absorb, learn, and connect with everything around them, but most of us are taught or traumatized into separating and forgetting that wonderful connection and those amazing gifts that are natural to living creatures.  The next part of my journey is to be finding that open and childlike part of myself so I can experience the wonders all around me with the eyes of a child and knowledge of my adulthood. 

As I was absorbing this idea and wondering how I would accomplish this mission I noticed that the lady spider was gone and I was alone in the clearing.  I felt a bit disappointed, so I stood and walked to the waterfall that I had found so comforting during my last journey here.  I stepped under the falls and into the cleansing streams of water, and I felt my disappointment wash away with the cool water.  The next thing I knew I was opening my eyes and sitting up at the end of yoga class, and I found myself smiling at the thought of finding myself with the help of all the creatures that had surrounded me my life.

Tonight during the meditation we were guided to look at a spark and watch it grow and glow into fire, and when I saw the spark I felt  amazing sensations.  I saw a tiny spark that seemed to grow and glow warm and welcoming, and this time instead of leaving immediately on a journey of my own I got a strong urge to breathe the light into my body and feel it flow through and out of me to the others in the room with me.  Usually my journeys have my animal guides and natural surroundings, but this time it felt different.

I felt an incredible peace and joy, and I could feel the warmth of the fire cheering my cold hands.  I could see the warmth exapnding from the fire as it grew before me,  and I walked into it with my arms outstretched.  I felt its warmth comfort me  along with a strange sensation of a cold that didn’t chill me, and I realized I was standing in the middle of it with my arms outstretched.  I could feel the glow fill my lungs with that comforting light, and I felt the light licking higher and soothing me to my very soul.

I got the urge to walk to each of the other three people in the room, touch them, and share this wondrous sensation of light and peace, and the urge grew so strong that I began to consciously take in light and warmth with each breath.  I felt it pass through me and flow through my hands, and I could see that warm glow surround each person in turn.  As I passed each person the glow seemed to expand and strengthen, and soon the room was filled with a calm contentment and a sensation of connection.  I realized I didn’t want to separate myself from the feeling and the pure joy that came with it, but then I became aware of another strange sensation.

I was standing in front of each person sharing the lovely light with them all at once, but I was also suddenly sitting in front of a pond feeling a strange sensation of warmth on my neck.  I jumped a bit with surpise and looked over my left shoulder into the huge warm brown eyes of a horse, and I recognized the spirit who was gazing down at me and making little snuffles as he sniffed my hair and clothing.  I played with this gentle soul when he was just a colt and I was a small child, and I smiled as I remembered his kindness one day when I fell as we chased each other around the field his mother grazed in.  I tripped over a log and thought he surely would trample me as I lay there, but instead he jumped the log and soared over me as I peered up from under my arms.  He circled back and nuzzled me until I could get up, and I had never forgotten how gentle his soul was.  Now after all these years I reached up and felt his velvet muzzle, and tears ran down my cheeks as I realized he wasn’t gone and never had been.  None of the ones I left so many times with getting to say goodbye were gone really, and as I was absorbing this concept I felt a tickle on my hand.

I looked down and saw a huge dragonfly sitting on my right open palm, and he fanned his wings gently as if to savor the sensation  of the air passing over them.  The sunlight shimmered off of his wings in shades of iridescent greens and blues, and I could feel his tiny feet tickling my palm as he walked.  I held him up to my friend to share the beautiful colors, and as I held him at eye level and admired him more closely he seemed to crumble into my palm.  Again I found the beautiful stones grouped in my palm and shimmering with energy, and I clasped my hand around them this time.  I wanted to feel their light and let it course through me, and I wanted to share it with everyone else in the room.  I turned to look for the other in the meditation room and let the energy flow to them, but found myself shivering in a dark place.

I was suddenly in the meditation room, feeling the warmth of my horse friend’s breath on my neck near the pond, and also leaning into a bitterly cold wind on a dark frozen wasteland all at the same time.  I felt warm, safe,  and frozen to my bones all at the same time, and I realized I was clutching the fur ruff on a huge wolf to stay upright against the howling snowy winds.  Then I realized I was also in my shimmering field of flowers and sitting in wet sand on the beach watching gulls fishing in the distance.  I felt a bit confused as to how I could be in so many places at once, but velvety breath in my ear refocused my attention primarily to the stones in my hand and the warm brown eyes of the horse who was snuffling against me.  I knew he could be wherever he wished since he had left the confines of his body years ago, but I wondered how a living person could be aware of so many places at once and function in each as I seemed to be doing at the moment. 

He leaned his head down for me to put my cheek against his as we used to in the old days, and I sighed contentedly as I recognized his loving spirit.  He let me know that we are always part of all around us and can be anywhere we wish, but that we limit ourselves as we are taught to do as childen.  I realized I had always felt that I was on a path looking back seeing history and forward seeing what might be while standing in the present, and I could feel his gentle breath in my ear telling me that since we are part of all we are all, and therefore are everywhere anyway.  That was part of the joy of sharing and being part of that oneness, and the only limits we have are the ones we impose upon ourselves.

That made sense to me and I reached for all the places and people instead of backing away, and I held the stones as I felt myself rise and walk into the glow of the flame that now filled the whole mediation room.  I wanted to share this joy and peace with those who were in that moment and place where I had started this journey, and I held out the stones and let the energy flow through me again.  I realized that I didn’t have to have a special insight to make me ready to accept the stones, but just had to let the energy flow through me and accept that I will be who I am meant to be whether I choose to go forward or not.  We are who we are, and when we are ready to love and accept that person we can love and accept the all around us.  The idea was never to accept something I was to become, but to accept who I have always been at each point in my life in order to grow and learn to accept everything else in the universe as part of me.  What a simple concept that is, but how complicated the journey to really embrace it.

I heard the meditation guide bringing us back to the room and felt totally relaxed, and I felt as if I had touched each of the people there and we had shared wonderful peaceful and healing energy.  Each person mentioned feeling the same energy all through their mediation, and it was wonderful to know that this was something that grew as it passed through us all.  I still feel that glow, and I am ready now to begin the next part of my journey…wherever it will take me.

During yoga meditation I journeyed a bit last night, and this time I was back on my plateau looking out over the beautiful red rocks and deep blue sky again.  The air was crystal clear and I could almost taste the oxygen in the breeze that ruffled the scraggly bushes that struggled from cracks in the rocks behind me.  I closed my eyes and drank in the warmth for a few moments, and I realized with a contented sigh that this felt like home to me now.  I could hear a faint sound in the distance that reminded me of water gurgling, but since I had never seen water in this place I thought I must be mistaken.  I sat back against a warm rough rock and recharged for a few minutes, and then I realized my vulture guide was nowhere to be seen even when I shaded my eyes from the glaring sun with my hands and stared up into the cloudless sky as far as I could see.  The cliffside wasn’t deserted though, since I could feel small life around me in the form of insects and small animals scurrying to avoid being someone bigger’s next meal, so I sighed again and rested until I was ready to move again.

When I felt a bit refreshed I stood, brushed the sand off my pants and walked closer to the edge of the cliff to peer over the edge.  I had been working all week on being ready to take the final steps to whomever or whatever I am to be, and I had been feeling stronger and ready to fly with the vulture or walk into the fire.  I had missed my peace meditation for two weeks and had been excited to learn more from all my wise frriends, so I stood and raised my arms and called to the vulture.

At first I saw nothing, but then a faint v lazily circling high above the cliffs grew larger until it became a pair of wings and that distinctive head, and I smiled and my heart began to race.  I called to him again and started to jump up and down from excitement until I remembered I was standing on the edge of a ledge, so I stepped back a bit and tried to calm myself.  I really couldn’t quell my excitement, but by the time he landed next to me with a rush of wind and rustle of his huge wings I was at least breathing fairly normally.

I was excited to tell him I had moved past being afraid to trust him, but more importantly from being able to trust myself to make it through whatever challenges came along, so I moved toward him to touch his half-outstretched wing.  I was disappointed when he withdrew from my touch by folding his wings, and I could feel tears stinging my eyes when I considered the possibility that he might not want to teach me what I now wanted to know so badly.  I sank back to the rock and pulled my arms around my legs in an effort to regroup and not overreact to his withdrawal, and when I looked up I was suprised to see he had withdrawn to raise his foot toward me.

He shook his foot slightly as if to get me to see what he held in it, and as I peered between his razor- sharp talons I could see  stones shimmering in the sunlight.  They were the same stones I had seen and held before, but now gave off their own energy and seemed to glow with life and light.  I noticed they were strung together now, and I reached for them thinking he was offering them to me again.   He made a sound that seemed like exasperation and set them between us on the ground, and I realize that although they were ready for me I wasn’t to have them yet.  I felt confused and sad, but since he had told me before that once I accepted them my life would never be the same and I couldn’t go back, I knew he would let me know when the time was right for me to accept them.

He stretched his wings as if to take off and soar away from me, and I stood up with anticipation.  I was ready to trust that I could fly with him so I reached my hand out as if to take his outstretched wing.  To my surprise I felt him withdraw again although he made no movement to leave, and he sat silently looking around us and toward the sky.  I felt frustrated that I apparently wasn’t learning whatever he was trying to teach me, so I touched his wing and simply closed my eyes and breathed in the crystal air to quiet my racing thoughts.

The moment I cleared my mind I felt a rush of clarity and could taste the air, feel the colors of the sand and rocks,  and hear the scents of all the tiny creatures nearly as well as the rustling of the breeze through the nearby bushes.   I opened myself to all the sensory input this time, and suddenly I was standing in the field of shimmering silver flowers, standing under the waterfall, spreading my arms on the ledge,  sitting by the ocean with the dragonfly in my hands, and holding the mama bat and her baby from all my previous journeys at the same time!  I felt that glorious connection to all living things everywhere, and this time instead of feeling overwhelmed I  embraced the sensation of total connectness.  It took my breath away and let me breathe deeply in a way I didn’t know existed, and I wanted it to last this time instead of slipping away when my journey ended.

Then I realized that my vulture friend didn’t want me to fly with him or walk into the fire when things were going well and the sky was a beautiful clear blue, the ocean was calm, or the fire was small enugh to run through quickly without risks of burns.  He had been trying to tell me that taking chances to grow when the risks are small and the gains look great can help us along our path, but that the real growth comes when we are unsure of success, exhausted, and the odds seem stacked against us.  Leaping off a cliff into a clear blue sky with confidence is wonderful, but leaping off a ledge into a thunderstorm, having faith to follow my instincts to breathe in the ocean, or stepping into the fire when we aren’t sure if we will be burned is another matter entirely.  I felt a bit embarrassed that I had thought that all I had to do was take his wing and all would be perfect, but I also felt his patience and support as I crawled along my path to understanding.

The beauty of the connection was the feeling of gaining positive energy from all and giving all as well, and the wisdom and knowledge flashed through and around me as such speeds that I felt buffeted by a storm of various languages, images, and feelings.  I felt myself stagger a bit under the sheer force of what felt like an onslaught of everyday life from countless creatures, and I couldn’t catch my breath for all the feelings and snippets of conversation coming at me.  I thought of backing out and disconnecting, but I remembered the vulture’s lesson in adversity and took a deeper breath instead as I welcomed the flow of thoughts and feelings instead of fighting to keep it all at a comfortable distance.

I was back on the floor in my yoga class then as the instructor ended the meditation, and I realized I had not only survived the maelstrom  of sensation but was looking forward to returning to it.  I thought of the stones on the ledge and my friend, all my other journeys, and hoped that I might be learning the lessons I needed to understand before I could move forward.  I hope to take a birthday journey tomorrow as a gift to myself, and this time I find myself longing for that connection and all the wisdom and experiences that come from true connection with others.  What a difference a few weeks can make in our lives when our hearts and minds are open to change, and what an easier time we have when we go with the flow of nautre and events instead of wasting energy fighting them and ourselves!

I dreamed last night I was on a beach.  You would recognize the beach from any postcard with blue skies, shimmering water, and palm trees dotting the white sand, and you would sigh and most likely want to walk barefoot or sit on a nice chair under an umbrella.  I didn’t think of either of those options, but instead walked far enough into the water to feel waves splashing around my shins and sat down with my knees pulled up to myself.  I decided to meditate a bit (I even meditate in my dreams…wonder what the psychological significance of that is?) and shifted to half lotus position, upon which I promptly got soaked as the surf broke around my legs. 

Since the water was just cool enough to keep me from perspiring in the hot sun I closed my eyes and reveled in the salty spray splashing  over me.  I tried to focus and clear my mind, but the sounds of gulls and the delicious feeling of the water called to me and broke my concentration.  I opened my eyes, jumped up, and ran laughing straight out into the waves.  I ran until I could only struggle clumsily in the deepening water, and then I cried out with glee and dove straight into a huge oncoming wave!

I found myself in deeper water than I expected and wondered whether I had gotten in deeper than I was ready for, but by then I felt a bit of an undertow.  I started to struggle reflexively to return to the surface, but knew the best thing was to let myself go with the flow and that I would be able to catch a breath if I relaxed.  After a few more seconds I started feel hungry for air so I tried to swim upward, but to no avail since I seemed to be sinking deeper into the darkness.  As I flailed around I started feeling something brushing past me almost as if I were being tickled, but I was so busy trying to break the surface for a giant gulp of air I didn’t seem to remember that I am a definite swimming pool type of swimmer.  I don’t care for the feel of creatures I can’t see brushing up against me, but since I was rather busy at the time I couldn’t do much about it and kept struggling even as I sank faster.  Then I realized I wasn’t really alone at all in the murky depths and noticed the beautiful fish swimming with me despite my growing desperation.

There were hundreds of  glowing yellow and flourescent blue striped fish flitting around me and brushing my body as they changed course in unison, and in a those split seconds I had left before gulping a mouthful of water and drowning I noticed how odd it was they all seemed to be breathing out big air bubbles all in unison as well.  Not only were they blowing bubbles, but were taking huge gulps of water in their mouths between each set of bubbles erupted as if they were gulping air from the water and blowing it back out as if they were making air from the water they were driking.  Then it hit me what their message was.

I was to the point where I had to let my air out and get fresh or pass out, so I finally took the leap, let out all my air in a big cascade of bubbles, and breathed in lungfuls of water.  I fully expected to panic and drown, but I realized I could actually breathe under water the whole time and didn’t know it!  I took several breaths in and felt the bubbles rising from my mouth just as they had from the fish around me and felt giddy with happiness.  This was really beginning to be fun, and I wished I had saved myself all that trouble and fear from the beginning and had relaxed into it.  Then as I swam lazily savoring my newfound freedom I started wondering if I had always been able to breathe underwater and had just never known it.  Now wouldn’t that have been ironic to have that ability and have wasted so much time coming up for air and believing I had limitations so never trying it at all?  Wouldn’t it be ironic if that applied to so many other things in my life I assumed I couldn’t do so I never actually tried?  How sad would that be, but how wonderful I found out while I was alive to find the answers!

I floated a bit among the seaweed and the fish and pondered how I might do things differently with this new knowledge I had, and I was so absorbed in thought that I swim right into a large object hard enough to bounce off and have to shake my head to clear my vision.  When I regained my senses I saw I had bumped right into a huge white dolphin who seemed to think I was pretty funny.  He whistled and clicked at me, and I realized I understood him.  He did a funny dolphin smile (after all this was a dream)  whistled in a Brooklyn accent, “If you wanna learn to breathe under water you gotta dive in, take a deep breath, and swim with da fishes!” and I woke up laughing. 

I did get the point, however.  I hope I can take this message from myself and my funny dolphin friend with me on the next journey…

During last week’s meditation I found myself sitting at a bonfire in the dark, and although I was aware of other people sitting around the fire with me I couldn’t see them or hear them talking.  The flames shot high into the sky, and since I have always been drawn to staring into fire I found myself watching the sparks flying up from the flames into the night sky.  I felt warmth on my face and put my hands out to beat the chill of the night air, and as I heard the guide’s voice talking about accepting  positive energy I felt the warmth flow through my bones.  I had been cold all winter, but finally felt warm and began to relax into drowsiness when I felt a presence beside me.

I turned to find my vulture friend beside me sitting with his wings half raised as if to enjoy the warmth from the fire.  He sat so still that I thought he was sleeping, but suddenly looked up at me as if he just realized I was there and tilted his head to one side.  My gaze followed his back to the blaze before us, and he flapped his wings slightly.  I heard the voice of the guide as if from a vast distance telling us to embrace the glow of the flames, and the vulture hopped down from the log we were sitting on and took a few steps toward the fire with outstretched wings as if to fly straight into it! 

I jumped up and reached out to stop him from being burned alive, but he was already disappearing into the flames.  I sank down on my log and tried to breathe, but all I could think about was how my friend and guide was suffering a horrendous death before my eyes.  I flashed back to all the times I have felt people die over the years, but this was different and I tried to pinpoint what I was feeling.  Suddenly it occured to me that I hadn’t felt him suffer or die, so that must mean he was still alive….but how could that be when he flew straight into the heat searing my face from a few feet away?  I could see the flames leaping higher toward the stars, and as I watched the sparks shooting from the top of the bonfire I smiled with relief.

I could barely make out the shape of a huge pair of wings lazily circling above the flames reflecting the firelight, and I stood up and reached out  to him.  He flew lower but stayed above the sparks, and I could feel him calling me to join him.  My heart leapt into my throat as I realized the only way I could fly with him would be to step into the flames and leap to his outstretched wings, and I was terrified and annoyed at the same time.  This was what he asked of me during the storm in my previous journey and again I hesitated, still afraid to take the final step toward something I still wasn’t sure of.  I stared into the flame for a few moments considering my options and dreading his disappointment in me if I didn’t take the step into the bonfire and leap to his oustretched wings, and I could somehow hear him telling me that I wasn’t disappointing him and to trust myself to know when I was ready to fly. 

I looked up with eyes shielded against the brightness of the flames and didn’t see the light catching his wings any more, and when I realized he was gone again I sat heavily on the log and sighed in frustration with myself.  I watched the flames for a bit and lost myself in them as I tried to figure out what I needed to hear, see, or do to be ready and confident to take that last leap of faith and be who he kept telling me I was meant to be.  I put my hands on the log beside me to brace myself to stand and felt something smooth and round under my left hand.  I glanced down expecting to find some loose or bark, but instead saw a small heap of stones shining in the glow of the firelight that I carefully scooped  up in my hands.  They felt cool against the heat from the blaze before me, and I leaned closer to get a better look at them.

As I turned them in my hands I could feel energy and healing from them, and they felt familiar and alive to me.  I recognized the beautiful stone the vulture showed me on the ledge and those in the shimmering ribbons on those previous journeys, and I realized I not only were they precious to me for their beauty and meaning, but they were part of the answers to my questions.  I looked to the sky again hoping to find my friend, but I could feel he was gone and I was on my own.  I wasn’t sure what to do next, but I knew I didn’t want to lose those stones and put them carefully into my pocket.  Then I heard the guide calling us to come back when we were ready, so I closed my eyes and ended my journey for the night.  I felt I had made some progress toward finding the answers I am searching for, but I still haven’t found the rest of the puzzle.  I will not forget the feel of the stones in my hand as I search for their meaning, and I hope to be brave enough to fly next time I meet my vulture friend.