I journeyed recently to find whatever I need to bring to my healing sessions, and when I started the drumming music I immediately found myself in a lush forest by a stream.  My white wolf guide was standing next to me with my hand resting on her shoulders, and I was dressed in feathers and spun cloth.  I dipped my head into the stream and felt cold, refreshing water rush down my throat to invigorate and cleanse me, and I could feel the distractions of the upper world washed away as I drank.

When I was ready for my journey I stood and walked with my guide through the undergrowth, making our way through dense vines and through thick bushes.  We walked for a bit, and then I heard a loud rumbling ahead that I could feel through the ground beneath my feet.  As we moved forward I began to feel water spraying my face and noticed that my wolf companion was slowing her steps, and soon I could see a huge waterfall tumbling off the edge of the cliff we stood upon.  She nudged my hand off her head and looked into my eyes, and I felt myself melting into the rushing water beside us.

I found myself swimming in the cold stream and flying off the edge on the cliff inside the crashing cascade and off into space with the wiggling fins and writhing body of a tiny fish, and I hung in watery suspension for a time.  It was a wonderful cooling, freeing sensation and I could see my silvery body flashing in the sunlight as I fell toward the lake at the bottom of the falls.  I was looking forward to entering the water as I reached the bottom, but as I touched the surface I found myself dry and furry on hot, grassy plains instead.  I was a tan cub with huge paws, and I heard myself make a roughing mewling sound as I tried to make sense of the sudden shift in ecosystem.

The brown tall grasses surrounding me were dry and crispy with the heat and I plowed through them trying to see where I had landed.  I soon heard a roar that startled me so badly that I dove to the ground for safety, but I felt something large pick me up by my neck and carry me as I swung in the air.  I didn’t feel afraid any more, but instead curious as we approached a pride of lions lounging in the dust under a scraggly tree.  I was deposited on a pile of furry, wriggly, cubs who welcome me with licks and sharp nibbles, and soon they were settled nursing noisily in the light shade.  I wasn’t sure what to do so I hung back, the the mother lion nudged me with her huge paw to join the feast.  I wriggled my way into the group and joined my two siblings, and soon we were all three fast asleep with the security of the pride around us.

I awoke with a start to a strange noise, and I was terrified when I saw a hyena and her young standing near us in the dusty heat.  I knew that hyenas and lions are competitors, and that hyenas are fierce enough to chase lions away from a kill or eat cubs, so I was afraid for the whole pride.  I pawed my “mother” to make sure she saw the danger, but she reassured me with a lick of a huge rough tongue and a small sound from her throat.  I laid my head down on her paw and pondered why everyone seemed to be such good friends here.  Were the observations wrong?  Did they really all get along when no intrusive cameras were following their interactions?  Could they have a relationship humans weren’t aware of that benefited them both?

Then I realized the lesson I was to take back to my sessions was that whatever a relationship appears to be on the surface it is nonetheless a relationship that exists to teach us whatever we need to know at the time.  Toxic or dangerous relationships  aren’t healthy in that they aren’t ones we want in our lives if we want healing and peace, but they are nonetheless relationships and just as important to our path and healing as the pleasant ones.  If we can survive them we learn and hopefully grow from what they teach us, and because they have dangerous or toxic elements they may still have lessons for us to learn as we move through them.  Hopefully we can see the danger and set our boundaries so we can be safe as we learn, but our competitors or even those who would threaten us aren’t necessarily evil or without merit.  Hyenas are essential to the ecosystem and fierce fighters, but they can be appreciated for their place in nature and part of our lessons.  So not all relationships must be rosy to be worthwhile on some level, and there are many kinds of relationships.  The hard part is knowing when we have learned our lessons in toxic relationships and it is time to move on, but that is up to each of us to decide.  Interesting that I seemed to have forgotten that…

As I thought about it I found myself stretching huge wings and taking steps across the plain to rise into the clear sky above me, and I felt the hot wind lift me upward until I felt spray on my face again.  I glided upward and landed beside the waterfall in the lush forest, and I realized I was back in my soft outfit with my hand on the wolf’s head again.  She looked up at me with clear blue eyes and turned over my hand with her teeth to reveal a a print of a paw that filled my whole palm and more.  I saw too that I had a matching print on my other palm, and I realized that my lion guide had come back with me to help me to help myself and others heal.

We walked along the stream back to where I had met her on this journey, we slid into the water to refresh ourselves again, and she shook herself to cover me with cold spray.  Then we were dry again as the drums faded and I returned from my journey with a new guide and lessons to ponder.

Last night I received a Reiki attunement and had a wonderful journey. I received this same attunement last month and happily floated up over icy mountains, but  this time it was completely different.

I found myself back on the side of a dark road with my father reliving an experience that happened when I was about 4 or 5 from a different perspective than I did originally.  We traveled when I was young in a big blue Rambler station wagon, and that night we had seen strange lights in the sky.  My dad and I got out of the car, stood by the road in the dark, and watched strange brightly colored circles darting above us, only to shoot off into the night sky and disappear.  I looked up at my dad and asked what they were and he said he didn’t know, but that I should ever talk about them.  Since I had always seen little darting lights high in the sky and even dreamed about them since I could remember I asked him about those too.  I asked him why no one else ever talked about them either and why people didn’t seem to notice them, and he got this look on his face as waves of fear came off of him toward me.  He said again that I should never talk to anyone about the feelings I got about things and from people, seeing those, or what we saw that night in the sky, and since he had never spoken about it again I thought his fear was that I was crazy, wrong, bad, or a combination of them all.

From that point onward I had turned to science and facts that were provable, but I didn’t realized how much that experience had affected me.  It took my most of my life to be able to say who I am and trust my feelings and intuition, and I never had realized why I needed to speak about things I could back up with evidence.  If I could find scientific evidence and not go by what I had just “experienced” or “felt”, then no one would think I was crazy or silly.  I would like to have gotten to where I am now years ago, but apparently it wasn’t the right time yet.

This time on my journey I could feel the fear that came from my father wasn’t because he thought I was making it up or crazy, but that he knew what I was seeing was real and knew it wasn’t safe or wise for me to talk about it to anyone.  He had worked with NASA on the Saturn project and knew things that he wouldn’t talk about, and I realized this time as I stood with him in the dark that he was afraid for me, not embarrassed or afraid I was hallucinating.  Back then people really didn’t talk about things like energy work, paranormal events, extraterrestrial beings, or anything out of the norm of the time without being ostracized in one way or another, and in a very healing moment I realized he wasn’t afraid because he didn’t believe me, but because he did.  I felt a weight lift from me, tears of relief flowed down my cheeks, and I realized that I could now be who I was meant to be all along.

I looked up to the stars and felt myself moving along the road and picking up speed, and then I was among the stars!  I saw galaxies spinning, stars forming and exploding, and dark areas where huge masses of matter were suddenly winking out of view as if they had never existed.  Then I noticed a beautiful light bouncing from star to star, galaxy to galaxy, and bursting into sprays of fireworks as it ricocheted  enthusiastically from one body to another.   Pure joy radiated from the ball of light as it grew closer to me and began to spin in swirls of indigo, silver, and white, and suddenly I felt it enter me and knock me backward to spin with it!

I felt the light tumbling me over and over until I found myself in a place I had journeyed to before, but this time the light was still with me.  I looked down at my hands, still folded in the prayer position for the attunement, and I saw the light in a ball between my palms.  I cupped it and it swirled gently with an indigo edge that faded to silver and white in the center.  I leaned closer until my face was a few inches awayand felt totally peaceful and content until I felt a presence next to me.  I looked up to find my Reiki guide, an Inuit who was all white furs except for his dark face standing near me.  When I looked past him I saw the white wolf and polar bear I had visited here before, and again they welcomed me silently.  My guide motioned as if he were drinking from cupped hands, and when I felt confused he motioned that I should drink from the light cupped in my hands.  I wasn’t sure why I was to do that, but since I willingly accepted the light I was happy to drink from whatever it had to offer me.  I leaned toward my hands and scooped the beautiful ball to my mouth and drank deeply of the warm glow, and as I did I felt that connection to all else that I had felt before. This time I drank deeply and laughed as the warmth enveloped me and felt as if I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

When I looked up in amazement at the joy and peace I felt inside I found my guide and his companions gone, but in their place was the familiar white horse with blue eyes that had shared wisdom with me before.  I smiled and reached to wrap my arms around him, and as I laid my face against his cool cheek I noticed the snow and darkness were fading.  He motioned me to mount him, and this time I knew that something was different about the journey we were about to embark on together.  I had come so close to this point before but never made the leap of faith and confidence in myself that I had this time, and as I leaped onto his back and leaned into his mane I whispered to him to take me wherever I was meant to go.  The snow faded and I was back in the room with my hands still folded, and I still feel the glow of the energy.  I have so much to learn, and I am so very ready to begin.

Last night I found myself walking down a pretty path surrounded by low, bright, neatly trimmed plants that were bursting with color.  I felt relaxed enough to hum as I walked along sniffing the fragrances that drifted on the breeze, and the temperature was perfect.  The sun shone just warmly enough to keep the bees happily buzzing from blossom to blossom, so I picked up the pace a bit until I was whistling and striding jauntily down the path with no particular destination in mind. 

I noticed a fragrance then that put a damper on my cheer with some unpleasant memories, so I slowed down to a stroll and sighed.  The sky didn’t seem quite so blue, and I really didn’t care whether the rest of the flowers smelled good any more, so I put my head down and become lost in thought.  I didn’t really notice that I had company until I heard a soft snuffle, felt a warm grassy breeze on my face, and  looked up into familiar blue eyes.

My beautiful white horse friend began to nuzzle my arm, and I giggled as he tickled my side with his soft muzzle.  He blinked those amazing eyes at me with the silliest expression a horse can manage and motioned for me to look at his back.  I saw a red ribbon tied to the end of his mane and a whole bouquet of bright-colored ballons waving about in the breeze above him.  The balloons were as bright as the flowers around us, and he reached back and grabbed the ribbon in his mouth.  He knelt on his front foreleg and lowered them to eye level, and as I admired all the pretty colors I saw movement inside them!  I leaned in a bit closer and saw scenes from my childhood that were hard for me to look at even after all the time that had passed, and I backed off and stood up with a sharp sigh of annoyance.

I looked back at my friend and let my feelings be known, and just as I started to walk away I felt a sharp pain in my foot.  I jumped, said a colorful word, and bent down to remove a sharp splinter of thorn from my arch.  When I stood I found myself face to face with the balloons and grisly images again, and without a thought jabbed the thorn into each balloon in turn.  Each burst with a resounding “POP!!”,  and I realized I felt powerful and light again as I looked at each nasty event and promptly popped it into oblivion!  I was actually enjoying myself and felt a bit disappointed when I was down to one green balloon, so I peered more closely to savor the experience.  I laughed when I realized the last remaining balloon was filled with me plodding along after I smelled the gardenia flower that had sent me to my past, aimed my thorn and popped it out of existence.

The blue eyes met mine again, and he seemed to be laughing with me for a moment.  Then he became serious and started pawing the ground the way you see horses do to count in the old comedies.  I rolled my eyes at his silliness  and looked down to see what he was writing with his hoof  in the loose dirt.   It simply said,  “The pop wasn’t as loud as you expected, was it?”

I had to laugh since he somehow knew I hate the sound of balloons popping.  I would keep one to lose air and eventually collapse, all the while sitting in a corner annoying me, instead of popping it.  He was really right though, since I didn’t mind the pop at all when I was focused on getting rid of the images once and for all.  I was enjoying the sight of them dissipating and my feeling of power too much to mind the pop, and I actually enjoyed it.  I smiled at him, rubbed his soft gray muzzle, and we took off down the path together to enjoy the beautiful day.

What he was trying to tell me was simple to say but harder to do.  The past isn’t put to rest until our need to live in the  present and make our own future is  stronger than our need to live  in that past.  When the time is right we can send those old memories where they belong…up in a puff of air.  Next time I smell a gardenia perhaps I will just smell a gardenia:)

Recently in yoga meditation I found myself standing barefoot in a meadow of ankle-high grass wearing a soft long gown.  The grass was the fresh light green that only new grass can be, and I could feel it tickle my ankles as a light breeze ruffled across the meadow.  The slightly mounded area I was standing on gave me a view in all directions, and I could see tall trees in the distance that seemed to surround the meadow with rows of sentries standing silent watch.

I stood and breathed in fresh air and sunshine, and I closed my eyes to better hear any birds or other inhabitants of this lovely place.  I stood and listened and reached out for anyone or anything who might happen to be nearby.  Before long I did feel many presences around me, so I opened my eyes and was suprised to see the first humans I had ever encountered in my meditations.

I found myself surrounded by men and women who were of various appearances and ages.  They all felt familiar to me even though I didn’t remember seeing them before, and the very air around me hummed with widsom and gentleness.  I stood unable to gather my wits enough to think of anything to say to express my admiration and gratitude to these peaceful souls for even letting me exist in their presence, but since I realized nothing I could say would be helpful in the moment, I simply stood silently in awe.  All my meditations andjourneys had been with the other creatures who share the planet with me, and I had learned much from them, but now it was time to learn from those who had lived as humans and were willing to share their wisdom.

A tall muscled Native American man who exuded  confidence and strength stepped forward and laid a firm warm hand on my shoulder, and soon several others came to stand around me with hands laid gently on my back, shoulders, and arms.  I had never felt so much positive energy course through me, and I sighed and closed my eyes with pleasure as warmth and peace flowed from where they touched down my legs and into the earth beneath my feet.  When I had totally relaxed almost to the point of sliding limply to the ground they stepped back and seemed to be listening to something I couldn’t hear.  It was as if they were communicating with each other silently, but I could feel a hum in the air that reminded me of meditation chants when the sum of all voices is greater than each separately and truly beautiful.

Then I heard a voice gently commanding me to be still and listen, so I opened myself to everything around me with my eyes closed again.   Instantly I was connected to all the gentle souls in the group as well as every other creature in the meadow, and this time another presence as well.  I listened and let the energy flow through me, and I felt so much knowledge and wisdom rush through all my cells that I wanted to beg them to slow down so I could absorb it all.  I still couldn’t place what the new presence was although it seemed familiar to me in some ways, so I gathered the courage to ask and opened myself to the new sensation.

I received an answer that came from everywhere at once, and as I shook my head to clear it enough to understand what I was hearing I felt them step back a step and grow silent.  My eyes flew open with the fear that they might withdraw in frustration from my lack of comprehension, but I smiled as I saw them standing patiently in a group around me.  The Native American who appeared to be the leader spoke in a clear voice that echoed as if it bounced from cliffs that didn’t surround us, and he spoke simply and gestured to the earth I stood on.

He said that the presence I felt was the earth below my feet, and that most humans don’t listen to the messages she gives them and aren’t truly connected to her until death.  He said that we begin our lives connected to our origins and our mother who nurtures us, but along the way we learn to mistreat and disrespect her and then are even taught that she is not living, but instead a vessel for us to use as we please.  We begin to believe over time that we own her and have the right to destroy her in the names of progress and wealth, and we become arrogant and selfish instead of loving her and treating her with the kindness she shows us.  When we die we join with her again, but by then it is too late to change our path and undo the damage we have done, and then when we start a new cycle with another birth we are taught to forget again.  Meanwhile our loving mother cries with pain from the damage we’ve done, but she continues to nourish us as mothers do because we are her children.

I noticed a movement from the group behind him and felt overwhelming sadness, and as I scanned the group I saw tears of misery and grief coursing down their cheeks.  I wanted to run to them and comfort away their pain, but I felt totally inadequate and ashamed for my own part in this cruel cycle of devastation and destruction as I got flashes of mined naked hillsides whose very flesh had been ripped away, barren deserts where lush vegetation had been gifted to us from our mother and burned with no regard for its role in keeping her alive and healthy, and stinking piles of waste that cover her beautiful face.

I sobbed with my own grief as I realized I couldn’t comfort them or change the past, and then I felt that warm strength of the leader’s touch on my shoulder again.  He told me that tears weren’t the answer and becoming lost in guilt for all man’s transgressions was useless, and he opened his arms and spread them in a gesture toward the earth that felt so fresh and cool between my toes.  He let me know that I should lie on the earth and spread my arms upon it, and that I should let myself feel the vibrations of life that emanate from our mother if we take the time and opportunity to listen and feel her loving energy.  He told me that I had the same choices all humans do, and that I could lie against her and feel her breath and love her in return, or I could do as most do and only feel her welcoming arms in death.

If I chose the latter I would miss so much and lose the opportunity to share her wonder with my children, and  I felt deep sadness at the thought of continuing this cycle of abuse.  I laid down in the grass and felt my cheek against the fresh dirt, and I spread my arms to hug this amazing creation beneath me.  I gently held fistfuls of dirt and brought them to my face to breathe in the scent of life, and after I had laid in silence for awhile listening to a voice I had never taken the time to really hear before and feeling awe at the love she shows us, I rolled onto my back and realized I was alone in the meadow.

I laid against the damp cool earth with grass tickling my sides and feet for a long time, and I watched clouds racing across the blue sky above me as I considered how this day would change my life.  I know that I won’t be a perfect daughter to the earth who brought me life, but I also know that I will never forget her voice and will recognize it in the breeze, and that I will feel her warm caress as I touch the dirt in my garden. 

I know one more thing that brings me peace as well, and that is the knowledge that I will share with my children  this deep feeling of respect and caring for our planet that I have taken away from this experience.  Perhaps they will be the ones to show her the love she has shown so many generations of humans, and hopefully they will teach their children to love her as well.  Perhaps this is the one gift we can all give back to her, and maybe even save ourselves in the process as gifts that come from our hearts often do.

During yoga meditation this morning I found myself in a dark, damp cave.  I could dimly see roots sticking out of earthen walls by a light that seemed to filter through from another area, so I picked my way along the  dirt floor that was littered with loose rocks and covered in places with slippery mosslike plants.  Although the air was slightly musty, I could smell fresh air coming from somewhere, so I headed toward the light source to see if there was a way out of the cave or not.  I noticed I was barefoot and could feel the damp earth beneath my feet, and I wrinkled my nose in distaste at the sensation of slimy wet rocks squishing moisture between my toes with each step. 

I soon found my way to a larger cavern and realized I was in the same area where I had held the mother bat and her baby awhile back, but this time I saw no creatures hanging around me in the semi-darkness.  I was surprised when I felt a bit disappointed, since I had been concerned the first time that I would disturb them and find myself in a flurry of furry-winged creatures I couldn’t see well.  I had to smile at how much my  perceptions had changed over the course of a few weeks, and I decided it was time to find my way out through the small hole in the roof above me. 

I squinted against the glare of light that burst through the opening in a single shaft of sunlight and nearly blinded me after walking in the near-darkness of the smaller room, and I considered that I had no way to climb out since the opening was over the center of the cave away from any walls I might be able to get toeholds in to get purchase on the way up.  I looked around and thought hard, and I still could think of no way to get out.  I knew the day was warm and clear above me and I was determined to feel the sunshine on my face, so I sat back on a rock and tried to ignore the dampness that soaked my pants immediately.  I imagined the warm breeze and the feel of soft grass between my toes, and I weighed my limited options.  Jumping would be of no use since the hole was at least 20 feet up, I had no ladder or way to climb the walls, and I somehow knew no one would hear my calls for help.  I couldn’t fly obviously, so…hmm….and I found myself laughing out loud at the option I had almost overlooked.

I remembered my flight with my vulture friend a few days ago, and I realized I had been thinking inside the box again.  I had been thinking of myself as having limited physical abilities and few options, but the reality was since everything is connected and we can all be everywhere if we choose, I had another option I hadn’t considered.

I simply relaxed and felt myself standing in brilliant sunshine in my sneakers and dry clothes, and I looked around to find a small hole in the thick grass that could be a cave opening.  After I searched a bit I found a small opening that I would have missed if I hadn’t been looking for it, and I leaned down to peer inside.  I saw myself sitting on the slimy rock with eyes shut thinking, and I realized with a snort that this was the way life is every day of our physical lives.  I reached in, snapped my fingers at my sitting self, promptly jumped as I saw my above-ground self reach in to grab my arm and pull me out, argued that I would never fit through that hole and couldn’t reach me anyway, told myself that it would all work out and to grab on, and found myself sucked up into the sunlight my my own strong grip on my arm.

Well, perhaps I should have reacted with a bit more composure, but I sank to the grass laughing at myself…myselves… and the irony of the situation.  I laughed until I had to stop to catch my breath and shook my head considering that I had just done what we all have to do every day.  We are ultimately the ones who have to find our little caves where we are stuck in the dark and reach in, tell ourselves it is time to grab on, and pull ourselves out into the sunshine.  No matter how wonderful our therapists, families, or friends are, it is ultimately up to us to think outside the box of “can’t” or “impossible” and hoist our own selves up, and if no one extends the arm we have to extend our own and reach for ourselves. Who knew it worked literally as well as figuratively? :)