This week during yoga meditation I found myself on the beach again breathing the fresh salt air and watching gulls swoop in and out of the waves.  I was relaxed and content to just breathe, walk along the beach, and squint at the sunlight dancing on the water, so I thought this meditation would be the true vacation I needed so badly.  I looked down at the water swirling past my feet with each wave, and I turned to look at my footprints behind me in the sand and noticed a movement so far behind me I thought I imagined it.  I glanced back again, didn’t see anything, and continued my stroll with a contented sigh.

As I moved down the beach I thought I heard a sound from behind me and wrenched my head around with a jerk to see if someone was approaching, but again no one was there.  I rubbed my painfully twisted neck and began to get annoyed with myself for being so paranoid on a peaceful beach, so I promised myself to focus on the squishy sand between my toes and the salt spray on my face instead of some imagined danger I couldn’t even see.  I began to walk more quickly and savor the feel of the breeze in my hair as I laughed at my earlier silliness, and I began to jog slowly in the sand with a lightness of spirit that promised to rejuvenate me, but the mood was ruined after only a few moments.

From directly behind me I heard a familiar voice, and I jumped as my heart started racing with fear.  I knew that voice from my childhood and frantically turned back to see how someone from so long ago could be chasing me on a beach so far away in the present, but all I succeeded in doing was falling flat on my face.  I spat out the grit and rolled to see the monster chasing me, but again no one was there, so I laid still until my heart slowed and my breathing deepened before rising to walk again. 

Now I found myself feeling irresistible urges to glance back, but still no one was anywhere to be seen.  I was by this time totally annoyed and torn behind turning back and yelling at whoever thought it was funny to intrude on such a peaceful place and trying to regain my sense of peace while I walked on.  I hated to admit that I felt fear niggling at me by now and didn’t feel peaceful at all, so I jogged more quickly to put some distance between myself and that stretch of beach where I had felt so frightened. 

I had only jogged a few feet when the sound of footsteps thudding behind me made my heart race again, and I turned and tripped, landing this time with my chin hitting the sand hard enough to make stars shoot before my eyes!  I was breathing hard and by now terrified, but I made myself turn and look back at my pursuer.  All I could see was some shadows way off in the distance, and the echoes of another familiar voice drifted along on the breeze.  I laid there and collected myself, firmly reminding myself that I was on a beach and there was no one who could be here with me unless I wanted company.  When I had fairly convinced myself I was imagining these things I stood stiffly and brushed the sand from my hands and continued my journey at a slow walk, breathing deeply and focusing on the beauty around me.  I had succeeded at relaxing  a bit when I heard the beating of wings directly in front of me, and to my surprise my vulture friend appeared to walk beside me!

He said nothing, but I knew he was here to teach me something and was very happy to see him.  It felt good to have company on this particular day, so I let him know I was glad to see him.  He replied that he was surprised I had noticed him at all with all the backward-looking and falling on my face I was doing, and I really didn’t have any reply for that since I was rather embarrassed at my behavior already.  We walked in silence for a bit until we came to a grouping of  rocks along the water’s edge, and I looked up and saw him sitting on the top of the pile of jagged dark stones waiting for me to join him.  At the same time I heard that voice that made me a small child waiting for something awful to happen again and found myself on the verge of tears.  I didn’t want to run or look back, but I couldn’t help taking furtive glances as I clawed my way toward supposed safety.   

I was so distracted by trying to look back at the terrors coming after me and the effort of not screaming or begging him for help as I climbed the wet rocks that I didn’t notice when I was almost to the top.  I heard that voice again from right behind me, turned to see him surely close enough to grab me again, and didn’t notice I had reached the top of the rocks.  I stumbled over the top, looked back for a last glance, and felt space underneath my feet!

I had stepped right out over the edge of the rock while I was so busy looking behind me for my pursuers, and it hit me in a flash that even though I knew logically there could be no one from my childhood chasing me I had still wasted my whole vacation here in this peaceful place looking back instead of moving foward.  I looked up to see a large red object leaping  off the rock  with me into space, and I instinctively grabbed for it, pulled myself on top of warm hair and strong muscles, and I clung for dear life. 

I realized in an instant that I was sitting astride the largest sorrel horse I had ever seen, flying through the air in a graceful arc, and  landing on the sand below the rocks with a thudding of huge hooves!  I was totally taken by surprise and unsure of anything else to do but grab the red mane flying in front of me and hold on tightly.  We slowed to a stop at the edge of the beach near some low trees, and the horse stood looking at my vulture friend who was perched on a branch up ahead.  I nudged the beautiful animal closer to the vulture and noticed all my fear and feelings of being followed by events from my past had dissipated as I turned to face my fall from the rocks.  I no longer cared if anyone spoke to me from my past or tried to frighten me when I realized the only time I fell or truly was hurt by anything from so long ago was when I turned to look back in fear instead of watching where I was going in the present.  When I heard the voices and saw the shadows I felt little and powerless again, but when I turned and flung my hands out in a forward motion I felt strong and ready to face what was ahead, even if it meant a fall from the rocks.  I smiled wryly at the bird on the branch and asked him if that was the point, and he indicated there was something else as well.

He told me the horse had been there walking with me the whole time waiting for me to leap on his back and leave that scary place of shadows and echoes of terrors past, but I had been so busy looking back and trying to run from my past I had forgotten to stand up and look around me in the present.  Had I noticed the only time I truly fell on my face was when I was too busy being stuck in the past to remember how strong and capable I am in the present? I could leave any time I wanted, see and ride the beautiful horse if I chose to seek a companion, or fly from that place in the blink of my eyes at any time, but I had chosen to stay and be terrified by echoes of my torturers.  

I found myself in the yoga room thinking about my experience, and later I put the rest of the puzzle together. If you must look behind you to see where you have been and what lessons there have been in your life,  just make sure you aren’t running in terror in soft wet sand.  Stop, stand tall, and turn to see that the echoes are just that…echoes in the past.  After you see they are only shadows and you aren’t small and terrified any more after all, then you can see all the resources in your present and choose your path for the future at a leisurely  pace instead of tripping yourself up and ending up with sand in your mouth and a sore neck.   That bird is a wise one!

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 6th, 2009 at 12:59 am and is filed under Meditations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.