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Reunion

March 8th, 2010

I stepped out my back door a little while ago to admire the perfectly blue sky, listen to the birds chirping as they celebrate the chilly day, and see if my vulture friends might be around.  I stood on my back porch and looked up through the bare branches, but no vultures were in sight so I just listened to the birds and thought about how soon the trees will bud out and the birds will be nesting.

I pulled the hair from our brushes and collected some yarn for the birds, set it near our carport where they like to nest each year, fed my cat and came back to stand near my back door.  I stood for awhile enjoying the birds at the feeders a few yards away and contemplated how different my mornings are when I leave the tv off and step outside to enjoy nature instead of listening to news first thing in the morning, and then I felt someone near me to my left and behind me a bit.

I turned to look but didn’t see anyone at first and went back to watching the birds, but then I felt a touch on my hand that was resting at my side.  I looked down and saw the white shimmery form of a child, and as a little hand fit itself into mine I could see through the white wispy aura that my visitor was a little girl.  I didn’t move, but instead stood holding her hand for a moment and noticed that my hand wasn’t chilled as I usually am when I have a visitor who has passed.  I felt warm and relaxed, and the little hand folded  itself inside my palm so I was covering it with my own hand.

I asked her softly if she came to listen to the birds, and although I was afraid to frighten her I felt something was different this time and that she wouldn’t be frightened if I spoke to her.  It seemed she came for companionship, and she felt familiar to me.  I asked again if she came to hear the birds, but when I turned to see her response the wisp around her seemed to disperse and I could see her more clearly.  I had seen this little girl in pictures and many times in therapy sessions, and I was thrilled to see she looked completely different now standing next to me on my porch.

I had seen her most often in  pictures with a sad and angry look on her face or in therapy when I was called upon to work with her, but this time she stood looking up at me with a sweet smile on her face.  Her frizzy thick hair floated  around her face and shoulders like a reddish sunlight cloud, and she had an impish grin on her face that made me giggle with delight as I remembered the things she got into when I knew her much better than I did as an adult.  I gave her hand a squeeze to let her know I was happy to see her here with me, and she answered by releasing my hand and reaching her arms up to me as if to be picked up.

I was thrilled that she trusted me enough to look up at me with that open smile and clear eyes and ask for me to hold her, and I reached for her with no hesitation at all.  I felt her warmth against me as she wrapped her little arms around my neck, and when she fastened her feet around my back and was totally connected to me I felt a sigh of contentment slip from us both in unison.

I chuckled and lifted my gaze to hers as she lifted her head to look directly into my eyes, and as my eyes met hers I felt the sensation of all the years of therapy slide into place as if a final puzzle piece had finally been laid to rest.  An incredible sense of peace and completion came over me as we passed between us a brief silent conversation about our past and all that had happened to us, and we reached to touch foreheads and squish noses together.  As I pulled her closer to me I felt her melt into me where she has always been whether I knew it or not, and I welcomed my little self home for good.

When I could breathe again I found myself standing with a silly smile on my face, and when I recovered enough to notice my surroundings I raised my face upward again.  I wasn’t surprised at all when I saw a vulture circling right above me against the blue sky, burst out laughing, waved to him and came inside.  What a glorious day this is!

Posted in Meditations | 9 Comments »

Company

March 7th, 2010

I have had the privilege over the last few months to have met and learned from some wonderful guides who have changed my life in ways I never expected.   I have realized why I have been so drawn to animals all my life, and when I think back to my childhood and picture my poor mother’s face when she would catch me playing with snakes, spiders, local “aggressive” dogs, running with horses in the field, singing back to the birds as I hung out the window, and I’m sure other creatures I don’t remember, I have to smile with a sense of peace in my heart.

Aside from one human guide I am fortunate enough to have met, almost all my journeys, meditations, and dreams are with animals.  I seek them out and crave their companionship, and although I do have healthy respect for their strength and wildness I feel the bonds from a distance.  We are animals ourselves after all, and what better guides could we have than those species which have learned to live and thrive on our planet without destroying their surroundings?  They live at peace with the natural world and when any species oversteps its limits nature corrects the balance.  Since humans are relative youngsters on the earth we have much to learn from those who live in harmony with it and know how to read its language, and I realize now how I have been drawn to listen to and learn from all the creatures around me since I was very young.

I could reflect now upon all the messengers and guides who have visited me or are permitting me to join them on this journey I am taking, but that is for another time.  In this moment I feel utter peace and joy as I sit here with my white wolf guide next to me and I know that when I sleep tonight I will have companions beside me through the night.  I know that whatever information I need will come my way, and I know also that when I wake and hear the birds outside singing and see my very old cat ambling toward me for breakfast and a brushing I will still be among my friends.  I have only to listen and be open to the messages they bring to learn what I need to know to continue on my path.

I will look up and see the vultures that circle right above my trees and if I have a moment to walk around outside my house I will feel the connection to every crispy brown leaf on my grass.  I will touch the bare branches of the little dogwood trees and feel the worms deep within the cold ground, and I will see the promise of the garden I will plant in a few weeks.  I will feel the connection between each of my cells and the cells of each blade of grass and each creature I meet along the way, and then come back in to work with my feet on the hardwood floor that was fashioned from old logs from tall and sturdy trees.  I will sit again with my cup of tea and my guide and companion next to me, and I will most likely stop a few times to watch an ant walk across my desk during my day.

We aren’t far removed from all other creatures unless we lose the connection to them, and forgetting that is a sad and dangerous way to live and sure way to die from our separateness.  I hope you will do as I plan to for the rest of my life.  When you walk along your path think of the creatures around you who live, need, eat, feel, reproduce, and die as we do, and listen to their wisdom.  You don’t need to be a mystic or have any special gifts.  Just open your ears and eyes, and most of all open your heart and mind to the amazing and wise beings we are fortunate enough to share the universe with.  If you listen they will share their wisdom with you, and I wish for you the  feeling of peace that I feel in this moment.

Posted in Reflections | 7 Comments »

Challenges

February 11th, 2010

I dreamed months ago about a ceremony of some kind where huge birds I recognized as Thunderbirds in some cultures, usually described as huge eagles who commanded thunder and lightning, were flying over me in a snowy landscape.  I could hear their wings moving in the air around me and feel the wind from them on my face, and I shivered in the darkness from the freezing cold.   I was part of some kind of ritual and a huge eagle spoke right into my face about how important this was and how I needed to remember it all.  I confess I don’t remember all the details, but I remember the thunder of his voice and his sharp eyes and beak right over my face.  He said I would never be the same again and he was right about that.  The vulture guide, the blue-eyed horse, the vultures who now fly over me on my back porch every day, and the white wolf, polar bear, and the Inuit guide who have been with me on my Reiki journey have all been telling me the same things in different ways for months.  Today I had a somewhat confusing and amazing experience I am still sorting out.

I sat in a restaurant this afternoon eating lunch and reading a book on Beginning Shamanism when I read the line, “A shaman is always chosen.”  The breath went from me as if someone had punched me in the gut and I couldn’t breathe as I flashed back to the night before last.   I had been reading casually for information as I know that shamanism isn’t an easy path, but when I read that line I felt as if lightning went through me and I literally couldn’t breathe or focus on anything around me.  I found myself back in my recent journey and unable to process my present surroundings for several minutes.

I had fallen asleep that night feeling as if something were about to happen, and sure enough I soon found myself in the familiar snowy landscape with my Inuit guide and the white wolf  Tlun by my sides.  The dark trees around the clearing where we stood in deep snow and the heavy clouds above us were a perfect backdrop for the biting winds that swirled around us, and I squinted to protect my eyes from drying out.  Tlun and my guide moved closer to me as I turned to the hooded figure next to me for guidance.  Our eyes met and I felt him look into my soul and  I knew he was called Tupi.  I could see dark skin and darker eyes that were timeless, and he put his hand on my shoulder to steady me.  As he touched my right shoulder I felt Tlun nose her head under my left hand, and I looked down to see her looking up at me with a quiet calm that eased the shivers that rippled through me as much from anticipation as cold.

I had stood connected to them for a few moments when I heard wings beating above us, and when I looked up to see who was approaching I noticed both my guides had disappeared.  I started to call to them but my attention was shifted to the birds who had settled on the snow in front of me and were folding their heavy wings neatly to their sides.  I saw two vultures, and since I had never seen them in this snowy landscape I was surprised to see their darkness against the white of the snow beneath them.  I stood in surprise, not really knowing what to do, when I heard air rushing around me again.

I looked up to see a huge eagle that was bigger than any usual bird could hope to be, and his wingspan was so wide that he dwarfed all of us as he landed several feet away from me and stood to face me.  The vultures moved to flank him and two more large eagles moved in to stand between the vultures.  The huge eagle stepped forward and the others followed him, and I stood in shock as he grew before my eyes.  All of the birds were larger than the norm, but this one towered over all of us.

As I stood staring with my mouth hanging open I felt a nudge behind me and jumped as I turned to see blue eyes against the white of the snow and a  familiar white shape.  The beautiful horse motioned for me to mount him, so I grabbed his mane and did my best to sit astride my friend.   I felt a bit less vulnerable upon his strong back, but as I looked up I saw the giant eagle looming over us.  The vultures and the other eagles moved to stand around me with wings outstretched as I sat unsure what to do, and I marveled at the magnificent creatures who stood with feathers ruffling in the wind.

I thought of the times I had journeyed flying with the vultures and felt my own wings rising on the thermals, and a sense of calm came over me.  I knew I was safe among the messengers and friends who had brought me to this place and raised my head to face the creature who had come to rest before us.  To my surprise he spread his huge wings to pull all the other birds to him and then wrapped then around the horse and me.  I felt as if I were inside a warm cocoon surrounded by amazing energies, and I felt warm breath upon the back of my neck as I heard, “chosen” reverberating around me in the darkness.   I had no idea what that referred to and found myself standing in the snow with Tlun and Tupi again for a moment before I was back in bed with heart pounding.

I realized I was still sitting in the restaurant with the waitress asking me if I was all right, and I realized my food was mostly uneaten.  I nodded, got my check, and found my way to my car to sit and try to absorb what had just happened, and I have been working on it since.

Posted in Dreams, Journeys, Meditations | 7 Comments »

Jelly Jaunt

January 31st, 2010

Yesterday I noticed an ant on my desk.  I see them fairly often around here, but this one stopped and seemed to be facing me as I leaned in to watch him more closely.  He raised up on his back feet, waved his front legs in the air, and then took off across the rest of my desk.  I watched him walk all the way down the right leg, across the floor, and then up the leg of my kids’ table.  This took about 20 minutes since he stopped, meandered around a bit I suppose searching for food, and headed back toward the table several times.

I noticed as he crawled up the table leg that there was a plate with a bit of toast and jelly my kids left from breakfast, and I wondered if he knew there was a prize waiting for him after his long journey or if he just happened to end up crawling up that particular piece of wood.  Upon reflection I think he knew my kids eat breakfast on that table most mornings, so he most likely knew there was a good chance a crumb or probably a feast would be found there waiting for him.  As he slowly made his way I thought of many days where I meandered along my way to accomplish some task, not really sure if there was a reward waiting for me or not, and I thought how the ant didn’t seem to consider giving up or become discouraged at all.  Here I was, this huge being leaning over him casting a shadow on him, but he simply waved my direction and went on his mission undeterred.

Now I don’t recommend waving in every possible adversary’s face, but I thought it was pretty impressive and was something I will remember.  He had no idea whether I was about to squash him or give him a bit of food to munch through or carry back to his nest.  He waved in my direction and just took off despite my scrutiny and the danger I represented.  Was that hive mentality where the individual blindly serves the community and despite all obstacles and personal threats to safety, or does he know something we don’t?  He didn’t run and hide, stop his quest, or even change direction when a huge creature towered over him, but instead lived his ant life to the fullest.  I’m not sure what that means for an ant, but I did see him apparently enjoying that bit of jelly he found.

Perhaps we can take a hunt from the lesson of my small friend the ant.  This world is pretty scary now, and we know that we and our families are in varying degrees of danger whether we are home sleeping in bed, on the bus, in the classroom or workplace, or relaxing at the mall.  We can stop, wave at the stress surrounding us and then move on to live our lives as we would if we weren’t constantly reminded that it could all end any moment in some horrible disastrous flame-out, or we can hide in the closet with our foil hats on our heads.  I tend to be a pretty cautious person when it comes to the safety of my family, but I think after watching that ant exploring my floor and chowing down happily on that jelly I will choose to live like the ant instead of the human in the closet.  Foil hats tend to get hot and stuffy over time, you can’t see the stars from the closet, and I want to enjoy all the jelly I happen to come across in my travels even if a giant may slap me silly in the middle of it.

Posted in Meditations, Reflections | 7 Comments »

Howling at the Moon

January 23rd, 2010

I dreamed and journeyed this week with my white she-wolf guide.  I found myself in the familiar frozen landscape that seems to be my haven now, and through my layers of clothing I could still feel the chill of the starlit night around me.  I looked around to see her loping carefully toward me, stepping over white balls of fur who tumbled and hopped through the deep snow to keep up with her.  She stopped to carry one for a bit and then set it down in front of me, and I saw she had given birth to several fat and furry cubs since I saw her last.

I was excited for her and leaned down to greet these new little lives.  The mother wolf came to me and brushed against me hard enough to plop me into the snow, and I was quickly mobbed by six fat furry balls with very sharp baby teeth and wet cold tongues.  I giggled and let them clamor over me for awhile until I lost my breath from laughing, and then I gently removed them from my head and chest and sat back up.  After I had shaken off the little shoe-biter from my boot I leaned to the she-wolf and wrapped my arms around her furry neck to let her know how amazing her new family was.  She wrapped herself around me in the snow, and since her cubs quickly found their way to her teats to nurse I started to move away to give them space to eat.  She took the edge of my jacket in her mouth and gently pulled me back to her, so I laid my head down on her chest and snuggled to listen to her babies noisily drinking their fill.  I found myself smiling again at the thought of how the noises they were making reminded me of nursing my own children, and we laid together with me stroking her thick fur and her nursing her cubs until the last one had drifted off in a satisfied slumber against her mother’s warmth.

I dreamed while I dozed that she was giving me her name, which although she had been given it by my Inuit guide, was one she took to be hers and was giving it to me to know.  Her name was Tlun, which was snow with moonlight shining on it, and I thought it fit her fierce but gentle demeanor perfectly.  I woke with a start to find a little cold tongue licking me, so I rose to my feet to stand with her and the cubs and stare upwards at the crescent moon and brilliant stars that surrounded us on the hill where we stood.

Tlun threw back her head, gave a magnificent howl, and turned to look at me.  Her powerful spirit shone in her face as her cubs tumbled at her feet and she howled again.  I heard answering wolves in the distance this time, and she looked expectantly at me again.  I realized what she meant for me to do, laughed, and threw my head back to give the best howl my human throat could muster.  She seemed amused with my effort, nudged me  to try again, and demonstrated for me.  Her babies were doing their best to join in the conversation with little yips and yowls, so I let loose and howled again myself and was surprised to hear responses in the distance.

I remembered then that I had howled and barked with canines since childhood and gotten responses then as well, so I felt empowered and a bit giddy at the prospect of letting loose and having fun.  We stayed on that frozen hill for quite awhile pouring our hearts out and sharing ourselves with the moon, stars, and any other creatures who wanted to howl along with us, and I swear I saw Tlun laughing with her tongue handing out one side of her mouth at my joy and humorous attempts to talk wolf.  She reminded me that not only do I have a home there with my snowy friends, but that I need to relax, let loose, and just howl sometimes even if I can’t quite get the words to come out.

As I watched her cubs trying to hop around in the snow and howl like their mother I woke up giggling and chilly, and the next night when my little girls and I came out of a store to find a beautiful cold night lit by a bright moon I led my own cubs on a howling fest the whole way through the parking lot while we searched for our car.  I’m sure everyone around us thought we had lost our minds, but you know, sometimes you just gotta let loose and howl!!

Posted in Dreams, Journeys | 11 Comments »

Regaining Myself

January 14th, 2010

Last night I received a Reiki attunement and had a wonderful journey. I received this same attunement last month and happily floated up over icy mountains, but  this time it was completely different.

I found myself back on the side of a dark road with my father reliving an experience that happened when I was about 4 or 5 from a different perspective than I did originally.  We traveled when I was young in a big blue Rambler station wagon, and that night we had seen strange lights in the sky.  My dad and I got out of the car, stood by the road in the dark, and watched strange brightly colored circles darting above us, only to shoot off into the night sky and disappear.  I looked up at my dad and asked what they were and he said he didn’t know, but that I should ever talk about them.  Since I had always seen little darting lights high in the sky and even dreamed about them since I could remember I asked him about those too.  I asked him why no one else ever talked about them either and why people didn’t seem to notice them, and he got this look on his face as waves of fear came off of him toward me.  He said again that I should never talk to anyone about the feelings I got about things and from people, seeing those, or what we saw that night in the sky, and since he had never spoken about it again I thought his fear was that I was crazy, wrong, bad, or a combination of them all.

From that point onward I had turned to science and facts that were provable, but I didn’t realized how much that experience had affected me.  It took my most of my life to be able to say who I am and trust my feelings and intuition, and I never had realized why I needed to speak about things I could back up with evidence.  If I could find scientific evidence and not go by what I had just “experienced” or “felt”, then no one would think I was crazy or silly.  I would like to have gotten to where I am now years ago, but apparently it wasn’t the right time yet.

This time on my journey I could feel the fear that came from my father wasn’t because he thought I was making it up or crazy, but that he knew what I was seeing was real and knew it wasn’t safe or wise for me to talk about it to anyone.  He had worked with NASA on the Saturn project and knew things that he wouldn’t talk about, and I realized this time as I stood with him in the dark that he was afraid for me, not embarrassed or afraid I was hallucinating.  Back then people really didn’t talk about things like energy work, paranormal events, extraterrestrial beings, or anything out of the norm of the time without being ostracized in one way or another, and in a very healing moment I realized he wasn’t afraid because he didn’t believe me, but because he did.  I felt a weight lift from me, tears of relief flowed down my cheeks, and I realized that I could now be who I was meant to be all along.

I looked up to the stars and felt myself moving along the road and picking up speed, and then I was among the stars!  I saw galaxies spinning, stars forming and exploding, and dark areas where huge masses of matter were suddenly winking out of view as if they had never existed.  Then I noticed a beautiful light bouncing from star to star, galaxy to galaxy, and bursting into sprays of fireworks as it ricocheted  enthusiastically from one body to another.   Pure joy radiated from the ball of light as it grew closer to me and began to spin in swirls of indigo, silver, and white, and suddenly I felt it enter me and knock me backward to spin with it!

I felt the light tumbling me over and over until I found myself in a place I had journeyed to before, but this time the light was still with me.  I looked down at my hands, still folded in the prayer position for the attunement, and I saw the light in a ball between my palms.  I cupped it and it swirled gently with an indigo edge that faded to silver and white in the center.  I leaned closer until my face was a few inches awayand felt totally peaceful and content until I felt a presence next to me.  I looked up to find my Reiki guide, an Inuit who was all white furs except for his dark face standing near me.  When I looked past him I saw the white wolf and polar bear I had visited here before, and again they welcomed me silently.  My guide motioned as if he were drinking from cupped hands, and when I felt confused he motioned that I should drink from the light cupped in my hands.  I wasn’t sure why I was to do that, but since I willingly accepted the light I was happy to drink from whatever it had to offer me.  I leaned toward my hands and scooped the beautiful ball to my mouth and drank deeply of the warm glow, and as I did I felt that connection to all else that I had felt before. This time I drank deeply and laughed as the warmth enveloped me and felt as if I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

When I looked up in amazement at the joy and peace I felt inside I found my guide and his companions gone, but in their place was the familiar white horse with blue eyes that had shared wisdom with me before.  I smiled and reached to wrap my arms around him, and as I laid my face against his cool cheek I noticed the snow and darkness were fading.  He motioned me to mount him, and this time I knew that something was different about the journey we were about to embark on together.  I had come so close to this point before but never made the leap of faith and confidence in myself that I had this time, and as I leaped onto his back and leaned into his mane I whispered to him to take me wherever I was meant to go.  The snow faded and I was back in the room with my hands still folded, and I still feel the glow of the energy.  I have so much to learn, and I am so very ready to begin.

Posted in Journeys | 10 Comments »

Inventory

January 3rd, 2010

It was a very good year in many ways.  I figured out what I want to be when I grow up, so I would say last year should be considered a successful one.  I believe most people are in waiting mode at the present time it seems, but I am at the beginning of a journey that is exciting for me so it is hard to be in waiting mode.  I prefer to think of myself as  ”settled in”, since it is freezing here and getting out to enjoy nature isn’t much of an option right now.

This last year was one of growth and reflection, and I found myself consciously considering what brings positive energy and what weighs me down.    I turn 50 next month, and I would like my second 50 years to be full of joy and positive energy.  To that end I am working on reorganizing my blog and website to reflect my reflections if you will, working on my Reiki studies, and implementing ways to simplify my life.

I’ve dreaming, journeying, and meditating even though I haven’t blogged for awhile, and I will hopefully come to blog some of those adventures soon.  Meanwhile we will work on my main website,  I will work on my Reiki, and the holiday inertia will give way to progress in the new year.

Posted in Reflections | 14 Comments »

running with the wolves

November 20th, 2009

I haven’t blogged for a couple of weeks because I was busy preparing for my Reiki Level II class, but since the class I have had vivid dreams and interesting journeys.  I’m just now to a point where I feel ready to blog again.

Last night I journeyed and found myself in a frozen landscape running with a pack of white wolves.  I soon realized I was a wolf surrounded by other wolves running in semi-darkness in fogs of cold breaths, and although on one level I was cold on another I was warm and invigorated.  We ran full-out as if our lives depended on the chase, and indeed they did since we were following a herd of some kind of deer and running on empty stomachs.  I could feel my family’s warm bodies brushing against mine as we rushed along, and although the thought of actually felling and killing an animal to eat turned my stomach briefly, I knew that this was not my safe and warm life in which my easy reach in the refrigerator could produce a bloodless salad.  We ran for our lives and this was the only option, and as we caught up to the stragglers we instinctively formed the most efficient hunting formation.  Unfortunately we spooked the herd and they took off into the trees in a huge wall of solidarity, so we slowed to a lope and caught our breaths.  We turned back to our den that was a warm hole under the roots of a massive tree and spent some time sniffing and rebonding, and we curled up together with our tails over our noses for warmth.  I slipped into twitching dreams of zigzagging after snowy arctic hares, and soon woke to find myself swimming in frigid water.

I paddled furiously with my massive white paws in the bubbling near-frozen water and realized I was under a slab of ice.  I swam toward the light and clawed my way onto the ice shelf to shake off furiously.  I was a huge male polar bear waiting for the shadow of a seal under the ice or water, and I felt the watery sunshine warming my thick fur.  I closed my eyes to enjoy a quiet moment before the hunt resumed and felt a moment of dizziness as my position shifted, then realized I was myself again and standing back on solid frozen ground.  I felt someone nearby and turned to find the man in white furs who had let me know he will be my spirit guide on the next phase of my journey.  He was dark-skinned and tanned on top of it from a lifetime of exposure to the reflected sun, and his face and hair were the only objects that stood out against the white all around us.  He reached a hand toward me and opened it to show something to me that I couldn’t quite see in the dim light, and as I touched his hand I was back in my bedroom in darkness.

Posted in Dreams, Journeys, Meditations | 2 Comments »

vacation

October 31st, 2009

Last night I was meditating and found myself lying in a meadow surrounded by flowers that were fragrant and vivid with many shades of reds, yellows, pinks, blues, and whites.  They were waving gently in the light breeze that was gently flowing across my cheeks and ruffling my hair.  I sat up and could just see over the bright faces that were undulating as if dancing to an unheard orchestra, and I realized I wasn’t sneezing as I would be normally.  I took a deep breath and began waving back and forth in rhythm with the stems around me. 

I looked down at my arm as I felt something crawling on it and saw a pretty red ladybug walking up toward my sleeve, so I sat and watched her come up to my shoulder.  She spread her wings, closed them, and began walking back down my arm as if she had come to say hello and was on her way again.  After she crawled onto a nearby bloom I took another deep breath and stood to make my way through the sea of reds, yellows, blues, and pinks.  I bent to look closely at the different types of flowers, and I saw each line on the fuschia petals detailed and unique.  I saw tiny hairs on stems and folds of color that I usually wouldn’t have even noticed, and I spent what felt like hours watching another ladybug walking across from one bloom to another.  I heard buzzing and noticed bees leisurely passing pollen from one red to pink and blue to yellow, and I marvelled at how smootly nature works when we aren’t intervening to “improve” it. 

I finally came  upon a large stone that was perched in the center of the waving flowers and climbed up to sit back and relax awhile, and I breathed in the fresh air  and began rocking in time to the beat of the waving stems around me.  I found myself humming a favorite tune in time to them, and I found myself getting drowsy as leaned back against the warm rock.  The sun was warm on my face and I felt myself drifting into a lovely nap with no sense of time passing or chores to be finished.  I came back from my nap to feel refreshed and rested, and I will be napping there again soon.  I may not be able to go on a normal vacation, but I can visit the field and my nice warm rock any time I have a few minutes.

Posted in Meditations | 5 Comments »

fear

October 25th, 2009

I dreamed last night I was being chased.  What a classic dream to have, right?  I was almost out of breath, and I was slapped by branches and scratched by the spines on the bushes that tore at my clothes.  I ran for what seemed like hours from the unseen creature that had to be large from the sounds coming from the forest behind me.  I tripped a few times over exposed tree roots but managed to stay upright, and I could feel my chest burning from my fear and the air I was gulping.

I broke out of the trees and ended up on a rocky ledge with only a few scraggly bushes, but I soon realized I was almost out of room to run.  I still heard branches breaking behind me in the forest, so I decided to stop running and turn to face my pursuer.  I bent to catch my breath and looked up to see a hug mountain lion burst from the forest, and I had a flash of knowing what the deer feels when he stares into the headlights.

It hit me that I didn’t have to stand here and be his lunch without at least trying to communicate, so I raised my hands palms up a bit and lowered my head slightly.  I was trying to convey peaceful intentions, but I also realized that if he was hungry I couldn’t expect him to do anything else but make me his dinner.  He stopped and regarded my posture for a few moments, and then he proceeded to walk slowly toward me.  To my surprise he wasn’t stalking me, but instead was casually walking toward me with an almost playful air to his steps.

I stayed as still as possible and he came up, sniffed my hands and my whole general area, and then to my astonishment started rubbing against me much as my old cat does every time I feed him.  Of course the difference between this big cat and my pet cat was about 30 inches of height and at least 150 pounds, so I stumbled backwards and landed on my seat on the rocks as he rubbed his head hard against my belly.  I leaned back to catch a breath, but he rubbed hard against me again and I ended up lying on my back looking up into two beautiful eyes and some huge teeth.I still was a bit dazed from frantically running for my life and then finding out this terrible beast was more like an overgrown house cat on catnip when he made a growling noise in his throat as if to remind me I still could be a nice meal if he chose, but then began to purr so loudly that I almost burst out laughing at the idea of a mountain lion purring in such contentment while standing over a mere human female.  I really was sure if they could even purr at all, but apparently it is true.  He stared into my eyes with the intensity that only a large predator can possess, and he gave me insights as to why I was dreaming such an odd sequence of events.

He let me know that I ran before I even knew what was following me…following is the operative word here as opposed to what was supposedly chasing me…and that he simply wanted to spend time with me, help me with the message I needed to receive, and ask me for some healing energy.  Instead I heard something fearful and ran, so I would indeed have missed the message and he would have missed the energy he needed if I hadn’t stopped and been open to him.  Then I remembered the journeys I have been taking over the last week in my sleep and realized why I have been so exhausted each day.  I had been running with all my animal friends, chasing deer, snuggling with the wolves and their pups, galloping on my white horse friend on the beach, stalking prey as a tiger, paddling back to the sea as a baby turtle, and splashing in the waves with a meal on my tummy as an otter.  Then I had spent time standing over my home in the storm as a tree and been a green bean plant sharing my pods with my family in the summer.  No wonder I have been so tired lately! 

If I had not faced my mountain lion friend I wouldn’t have remembered all those journeys nor appreciated all the creatures I had spent time with, and I was happy to give this amazing creature some healing energy.  I would have kept running and not seen tah tmy fears weren’t based on reality and that I could not only learn from facing my fears but experience affection and share with this supposed wild hungry beast who was still purring and shifting to lie alongside me.

I thanked him for his information, and the thing I remember in my dream was cuddling up against him, wrapping my arms around him, and sending him some healing relaxation.  I was still tired this morning, but the feeling of sharing warmth and wisdom with such a powerful creature who could have killed me with one swipe of his paw still remains even now.  I am so glad I remember now where I have been all these nights and hope to journey again soon.

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